who i am hates who i've been.

I’ve got a handle on why I’ve been so depressed lately. I’ve been trying to claim Christ and make my own decisions at the same time. Now, I’m not talking about the insignificant decisions like, “I will breathe now”—I’m talking about the life decisions like “I will go to college next year”… will I? That’s when I start getting stressed, worried, or depressed about things.

Just read in Romans 4:27-28 “What we’ve figured out is this: God does not respond to what we do; we respond to what God does. We’ve finally figured it out. Our lives get in step with God and all others by letting him set the pace, not by proudly or anxiously trying to run the parade.”

I bolded proudly because I have a pride problem, but I also bolded “anxiously trying” because that’s exactly how it’s been. I’ve been so anxious for things lately. I’ve been anxious to grow up and be a real man and live for Christ, but I’ve been trying to do it my way. But also “trying” is exactly what’s it’s been as well. “Trying” means you can’t really do it, and I wish I’d paid more attention to that lately.

I’ve done plenty of sitting in bed hating myself in my life, and I remember the words coming out of my mouth to another person, “I’ve figured out that when I start pulling my own strings to run my life, things don’t work out and I find myself in bed, sick, tired, and worried.” How often I never even listen to my own words.

I remember yet another time saying to a friend, “Are you not content with what God has already given you? Stop trying to add things to your life, you don’t even need them!” I thank the Lord for those words for I’m sure they were from Him to those people, but I also thank the Lord that I can sit back now and listen to what I’ve said and compare it to who I’ve been—and weep sometimes.

I prayed desperately last night because I was at the point of tears with everything that’s been on my hands. Even through the prayer I guess I didn’t understand until today I was/am “trying to run the parade” myself. It’s funny how God doesn’t answer you immediately sometimes so that you can learn later and look back on things, making it more emphasized.