weekend edition (i need to start numbering these).

How was my weekend? Well, Friday was transforming, Saturday was utterly boring, and Sunday (today) was refreshing.

I have so much to say I can’t say anything it seems. I know now that people read my entries, so it’s like playing music while people are watching you. You’re so nervous you know you’ll mess up or things won’t sound right, you know? Well, I guess it’s not exactly like that, cause I just don’t know how I can type everything all out. Let’s start with Friday I guess.

Had a bad morning… I fell, basically. I’ve gotten into the “habit” of work, it’s been very ritual inside me since I’ve got the job. I guess I just may have applied it incorrectly to my life. Anyhow, so I go to work and get in “work mode” and I forgot about how I fell and it completely left my mind—I was making more money, that’s all I guess I was thinking about. By the way, this story has a good ending; as you can tell, things hit me Friday.

The bad thing about the state of mind I’ve gotten into while working is that I’m in practically NO state of mind. It’s like I’ll work fours a day not being Noah or anything that reflects Noah. I’m not saying I’m being someone I’m not, I’m saying I’m practically a working ROBOT—not thinking (or praying) about things that are going on. It’s like time I never had. I guess I’ve gotten a little too obsessed over “just making money, period dot”.

So, Friday I went to work and “check out of life” I guess. Then my mom picks me up at 4:30, and asks me about my day. She asked me if I fell. God told her.

Right then and there it all hit me. You can allow your mind to wander at the nature of my sin. Yeah, lots of guilt is attached to failure in that area—especially for me as I am trying to become a man someday. I sit there (as if out of my body) and I say to myself. Well, there you go Noah, taking a step BACKWARDS towards being a man someday—there you go Noah, taking a step BACKWARDS into a healthy marriage someday. When I am not thinking about the Spirit, of course, it’ll go in one ear and right out the other—but not on Friday. Things just had to stop—I figured that out.

My mom stopped at the store after we’d talked about it and she suggested I pray and read. Well, she went in and I started praying. God did not hesitate to speak to me, as he never hesitates—ever. God showed me that I was going about my entire journey to be a man the wrong way. He identified my actions. Sure, they were good things like encouraging people, being generous, disciplining certain desires of mine—that stuff. But he showed me that I was being selfish; I wanted something in return.

He simply said to me, “to be a man someday, you must give of everything you have and keep nothing for yourself, you must let people beat you up and not fight back, and you must spend your life living for others.”

A few days ago I wrote about wanting simplicity, not theology, not psychology. This was a pretty plain and simple statement. It’s what I needed, too. It was like no questions needed to be asked. He said everything at once.

Saturday was just immeasurably boring. We won’t even go into detail because there, seriously, was nothing cool about Saturday.

Today was a good day because it was just good enough that it wasn’t bad, and just mild enough that it was too boring. Figuratively, it was like a cool spring morning… except all day. It was like I was riding some peaceful river or something… though that sounded really gay. It was a very peaceful and refreshing day today.

Overall, I am very excited about things to come. I feel a sense of secure spiritually and emotionally, though I am feeling an alertness against temptation. I need to read some tonight to keep my head on straight. And I have a lot of thinking to do tonight.

Until my nest entry.