what boredom brings

New video here. Sometimes I get crazy when I'm real bored.

havin some fun.

Well this has been the longest pause between blogs in a few weeks now. But I’ll prolly have more and more to right about now that I’ve been able to collect it all over the past few days.

Spring break has really been a good opportunity to exercise my recently-developed “fun loving” side that I just cant seem to escape from anymore. Seems like some people have been taking it as quite a change, but I haven’t really felt too changed inside. I think I really am just a fun-loving guy, I just let things get in the way oftentimes and I don’t emerge and love fun again for months and months.

Haha, like I was saying, I’ve been getting some weird comments from people like “wow, you’re in a weird mood today” and stuff like that. Like I said in a previous blog, I am ready to open up to people again, and I think exercising my inside feelings when I’m around friends is the best way to start. Those feelings just tend to be really “joyful” right now I guess.

You know, with planning my future on my hands right now and me sitting here staring at it, I’m feeling more and more scared inside. Not ‘scared’ as in “terrified” or anything, but I’m not ready to go off and get a job and not really be a kid any longer. I’m gonna have to start stacking responsibilities on my back you know? I think it’s a desperateness to be a kid AS LONG AS I POSSIBLY CAN that’s making me so “fun-loving”. And I really don’t know why my attitude is jazzing me so much beside this—having fun just mean something different to me than it used to, and I don’t want it to go away.

I remember how I used to have fun at school and everything. There were some days that I would just feel really free and I’d ask and do random things that came to my mind because freedom felt so overwhelmingly good. Those days didn’t come too often, but I remember when they did those were some of the best days I had hanging out with Jenny in class and everything.

I know people like my fun-loving side a lot, and I don’t blame them. I guess I’ve really realized that I act a lot like a kid in one of my stories who’s always grim about everything that people tell him, he hangs out alone, and he is never happy.

Well I hope this entry may find you all well. I look forward to enjoying your company.

improvements.

I had Chris Wood over today and we had a good talk. Though I don’t like to talk about people specifically in my blogs, I feel like recording that I like how he’s changed since I left Bible Study. Of course, I really haven’t hung out with many of those kids since I left the Study and since I left school, so I don’t ever know anything that’s going on in the inside of ‘the group’ (aptly named). But most of the things Chris was telling me about (including that of himself) really surprised me in a positive way.

I really thought (as I left) that the situation would only grow worse between everyone and within everything, but I was proven wrong by what he told me. Things really changed since I’ve gone. One major change that I was able to pick up on on my own is that Becca sure does talk a whole lot more… but I’m glad things have changed with everyone. Not to mention that while visiting the Van Hooks Saturday, Caden and I hung out in his room and HE’S changed tremendously.

As I have plans to start to open up more to people again, I am beginning to think more and more right now that NOW is a perfect time to do so. I NEVER want to go back the way I was, but I want to invite people back in.

Though this blog may be confusing, you will all understand what I’m trying to say in time anyways. I’m not in the most amazing writing mood right now, so I’m not all full of colorful analogies or brilliant explanations. Just stay tuned.

capping the weekend and my absence

Wow. It’s been a few days since I’ve been able to sit down and blog some. I’ll throw a “sorry” out to all you who missed me. I probably missed you too, but I’m sure I’ve at least seen most of you in the past few days as I have been out and about (rather unusually) lately.

So, what have I done so far with my spring break? Well, Allison got here Friday night—Saturday morning I mean. It was like two o clock when he finally rolled in and he and I stayed up talking until like four Friday night catching up on everything. Really seemed like he dislikes school, so the whole goal of his trip down here was to get his mind off of it.

When we woke up Saturday morning we hit the streets to go and say “hi” to everyone, which we didn’t get to accomplish all in one day. We first went to see the Van Hooks, then we saw a few other people, but not much really ended up happening on Saturday. We ended up at Josh’s house for most of the afternoon and into the early evening hanging out on the computer playing with Google Earth (for HOURS!), it got kinda boring, so we went out for ice cream at Dairy Queen.

Sunday was interesting because we got up and went to Allison’s old house to shower and there was no water OR power, so he goes to ask his neighbors if he could shower there and they talk his head off and it took him like almost 45 minutes to get in and out of there, so we ended up late for church Sunday morning. After church, we all went out to lunch at Wendy’s, which was probably the highlight of this past weekend because I love hanging out with everyone. Well not everyone was there, but it was just about everyone.

After lunch we went home to take a nap around 2 and I slept for about an hour and Allison slept till 5:30. He sleeps so much it’s practically unhealthy. I thought I slept a lot until he came down! But anyhow, we decided to go see 16 Blocks and invited some people and NOBODY could come, so we called Josh and he ended up going, which was cool. But 16 Blocks was such a good movie, I was really surprised. After that, Allison and I went to Jack in the Box and talked for like TWO HOURS, which was probably the best conversation we had all weekend.

I gather that he had a boring weekend, though, cause he left out this morning right after he woke up. Overall, it was a pretty good weekend. I think I went more places and spent more money than I have in any weekend since the summer, though… but, after all, doesn’t that make it more fun?

there is no independence here.

Wow, I’m bored enough that I am gonna sit down and blog about anything that comes to mind. Yeah, I don’t blog when I’m bored. In fact, I’m usually not bored sitting on the computer. I guess I’m usually working on some project that I think is so ground-breaking that I will never become bored again… wrong. Oh well, let’s see what we can dig up from my brain.

Spring break is looking pretty promising. I can’t wait… it all starts Friday night. Me and Josh prolly gonna hang Saturday or something… well, we’ll prolly hang ALL WEEK. I still need to meet his girlfriend, though (I know you’re reading this Josh, take a hint). Man, I am determined to have the best spring break EVER next week. I will most definitely go swimming, airsofting, and maybe even movie-ing at least once next week. Even if I have to spend all my money next week, I WILL have the best spring break EVER.

So as for right now, I’ve been sitting around doing not much most of the week. Monday after school I spend like SIX HOURS completely redesigning my webpage (take a look sometime). I’m really impressed with the outcome, too. Yesterday I did nothing—again, except I added a few things to my webpage… so yeah, it’s mostly been “time-wasting week” for me.

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Remember my blog about God being inescapable? Well, I still wasn’t doing well until this morning when I [finally] sat down to read something in the Bible. I guess I tend to learn the same lessons over and over—can’t be living right if I’m not reading scripture. I don’t know how I ever get myself convinced otherwise. It’s really depressing.

You know what’s even more depressing? Sinning when you KNOW God’s watching you. Yes, yes, God’s ALWAYS watching and we know that. But it’s like when you’re gonna sin and you think something like “Well, this is gonna surrender ground to the enemy”, and you sin anyways. It’s like going “OK, what the heck” and pulling the trigger on a gun pointed at your brain.

OK, well such has been the case once with me this week, and I guess it’s kinda haunting me and everything. Well, when I sat down this morning to read, I decided I’d open up to Romans, recalling the verse that says something along the lines of “So shall we sin so that grace may abound? By no means!” Well, I read Romans 1, 2, and 3 (BY THE GRACE OF GOD!). Set me pretty much straight. It was like someone chewing me out for slacking off.

You know, it’s when you sit back and say to yourself “I’m OK now, I’ll make it on my own” that you know you’re falling back and YOU’RE WRONG. I guess I keep having to learn over and over that I can’t do anything without Christ, so I might as well give up.

too many visits

Well, I was on the computer today from three this afternoon until ten tonight completely redoing my webpage. I don’t really know what drove me to. I guess I just wanted a new design, the idea came to me all of a sudden. Anyhow, after spending most of today on it, I’m pretty pleased with the outcome. I hope it may open a few corporate eyes, cause I’m gonna start looking for more website jobs.

Enough about that. This weekend was so-so. It kinda felt like one of those weekends that were wasted without your choice. I got to see plenty of friends, though. The Grounds was closed Friday night, and I didn’t get to see anyone there, so I guess maybe that’s why it felt kinda empty the past few days. You know, I end up seeing ten to twenty more kids a week at the Grounds and all.

But, having Josh over Friday night was fun. I guess I kinda already covered that in the last entry. Saturday night we had dinner with the Pontiff’s (a family from our church) house. I’d never really known them well, so I didn’t know what to expect from our visit. Thinking I’d sit around bored, I made sure to bring my guitar, but they were actually quite inclusive of me, so I enjoyed myself. I may even have some new connections for getting into A&M, too.

Sunday was cool. James was at church. I’ve been seeing a lot of him lately. He seems kinda weird in a way. I don’t know what it is. He completely ignores me half the time, but it’s weird how he does it. It doesn’t hurt my feelings or anything, but IF anything I just find it odd.

I spent Sunday afternoon with Nathan Rogers playing guitar, Halo, walking, and sitting around his house. I didn’t really profit much from that afternoon, though, so I don’t have much to say about it.

I went directly to the Lord’s Supper after leaving Nathan’s, and that was probably one of the two highlights of my weekend. I like meals at church, it’s almost like going out to eat with all my friends at once—which like NEVER happens anymore. However, dinner’s conversation was mostly distasteful, which put a little sour in my sweet.

Towards the end of dinner, I got up and went to find the other half of my friends because I was getting a little agitated. They were mostly just doing their own thing, so I didn’t feel like anything better was going on there and I went back to join the other half at the table.

The night closed with my playing some Iron and Wine and Pedro the Lion on guitar for Chris on the back of Michelle’s truck, and that was about it. I’m hoping nest weekend carries some more fun. I hate having dull weekends because I hate having school and I’m always somehow convinced Friday night through Sunday night will bring some sort of supernatural joy.

Hannah and I are gonna try to do something with Becca and Heather this weekend, which is unusual. I don’t think we’ve ever had them over just for the heck of it before. No clue what we’ll do, but maybe I’ll learn something from them. That’s what I tend to do with visits.

i can run but i can't hide.

Woe be unto me! I have tried to escape the inescapable—my savior. What I have done is now clear and I understand how feeble it is try to run and hide from Christ… How’s that for sounding like something Jonah may have wrote? Boy O boy do I feel like the guy.

GOD IS INESCAPABLE! Here’s my experience. I get into some kind of secret sin, be it jealousy, anger, lust, or something like this, and whenever I sit down and talk to someone or whenever I sit down to think there’s some kinda scripture hurled at me. Everyone’s faith complements each other. If you’re surrounded (or if you surround yourself) by people of faith you CAN NOT ESCAPE HIM.

Makes me get discouraged about sinning and encouraged to follow Him. All I’m doing is wasting time on myself when He’s right there waiting for me to work for Him, and He’s sitting up there reminding me through anything possible that I am doing wrong. I can’t sin and claim Christ, it’s an oxymoron. It doesn’t fit.

Might as well quit trying to hide sin from God, right? He sees it. It’s almost like He toys with me about it, too. It’s like guilt, but it’s not guilt. Guilt is negative—this is “positive guilt”. It’s like a soft reprimand—a “hey, just cut it out, man. I already know what you’re hiding”. Cause he knows I’m His royalty and I know better. He knows I know he has greater rewards in heaven than anything I may gain on earth—Heck, he TAUGHT ME. He taught me the hard way last weekend.

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I had a good time having Josh over. We basically goofed around most of last night. We messing around on our computers and stuff then we watched Walk the Line (which I didn’t really enjoy as much the second time). But then sobered up a little and talked after the movie about what’s going on… but, sleep-hungry, we retired after not too long.

But this morning we probably walked three or four miles talking about all kinds of stuff, and that’s what I probably enjoyed the most. We were mostly just catching up because I haven’t seen him in like three weeks and we don’t really have deep conversations on the phone. I made sure he told me all about Min, though.

So I’m still just me. I took a little bit out of the conversation we had this morning and there’s definitely some things I’m gonna start workin toward. I’ve got some plans in mind that may help my situation and that of some others. Yes, it’s undisclosed for now, but it’ll surface if it works out. Right now I’m unsure.

I hope this blog may find you all well.

tryin on all the hats.

This is a “brainstorm” blog from late last night… it’s all over the place.

I know this is probably expected to be a “highly intelligible” blog and everything, but, heck, I gotta step away from that every once in a while or I’ll burn out. Besides, I failed at “highly intelligible” a long time ago when there was that enormous pause between each blog way back last fall. I guess my mind went back or something. Ok, so what’s my “non-intelligible” topic? Well, I was sitting down and I was wondering,

What would the world of today be like if I never existed?

See? Pretty generic topic, eh? Well, I’ve lately been learning to explore figments of my curiosity—you know, doing things I’ve never done before, saying things I’ve never thought of before, thinking about and exploring things I’ve never really cared about… that kinda stuff.

I sat back for a moment and thought about it. I wonder if anyone would be like DEAD or anything. I mean, I don’t remember saving anyone’s life or anything, but you never know, you know? What if my life like got in the way of some evil menace’s mighty plan to steal all the gold in America or something and if I was never born, America would no longer have any gold and it’d be somewhere in like Venezuela building palaces for Chavez or something. You know I’ve heard so much about the guy, but I’ve got no clue who he is or what he does.

So in another good example of my exploration of curiosity, I was talking with Mara the other day and I just had to ask her if she’d ever been in a watermelon-seed-spitting contest. I have no clue why, but I just HAD to ask her. I’ve always enjoyed them, you know. Well, she steams all up and like gets mad at me for asking her something random. It was kinda depressing.

So I said to her something like, “would you rather sit around with someone who’s gonna talk about TV or their girlfriend or school or some crap like that, or would you rather be with someone who you’re gonna hear something NEW from every once in a while?” And I guess she understood where I was coming from, but she’d never heard of a watermelon-seed-spitting contest before and I wasn’t surprised. I figured she might have seen one on TV or something at least, but I was wrong. I explained the concept and she just reiterated how I was weird.

Isaac used to use the title “TV kids” all the time when he was a senior and had just had enough of all the kids at school. I think I’m starting to understand a little. It’s not that I can’t stand the kids at school or anything, it’s quite the contrary—I MISS THEM TO DEATH! It’s that I can’t stand TV. Seriously, that trip to Houston last weekend probably scarred for life. I can’t sit down and watch ANY MORE CABLE for probably a year.

There’s SO MUCH CRAP on the thing, it’s no wonder kids who sit around all day and watch it ARE the way they are. Makes you cry deep in your soul for them cause you know they’re the kinda kids who have never swam in a real creek or gone on a walk alone just to explore the neighborhood. Seems like they all kinda survive because there’s plenty of them out there to pair up with and talk about who’s dating who on Reality Teen Love Central or something like that. It glorifies self-image.

How’s this for a question… what would the world be like WITHOUT TV today? I guess it’s pretty useful for business and everything, and for news… who knows, those are the only things I ever watch. Does all this “self-image” crap come from things like TV? I know arrogance is always present, but I don’t think TV helps anyone. I know that “style” is largely glorified on TV. I don’t think the punk, goth, and emo scenes would’ve spreaded so easily without MTV and movies and stuff.

Know something weird? I heard “emo music” called “E-M-O rock” tonight. I thought that was crazy. I’d never heard it before, you know. And I knew what it was, but I just had to ask to make sure. WOW, emo has really evolved in the past few years. There’s kids who show me their “emo music” these days and I’m like “What?” where’s emo in this? I was surprised to find out mostly this year that most “emo bands” these days sound all punky and everything. I’m still saying that emo is stuff like Pedro the Lion… bands that play quiet, yet climactic music. And if they scream, they don’t make a big fuss out of it at all, they don’t even record it twice to make sure it sounds hot.

Hahaha, I just discovered that David Bazaan actually screams in the original recording of “Almost There”. I had only heard the Whole EP like once until I downloaded it the other day. It’s SO GOOD. I don’t even know why I’m talking about music, I don’t even really listen to it that much.

I was at the mewithoutYou webpage yesterday. Dude, I had no clue about Aaron Weiss. The guy’s a regular Rich Mullins. His journal entries are crazy. But it was kinda depressing because he has like 20 of them and the other guys have like one or two and they’re all total crap. Aaron Weiss kinda reminds me of myself in that he writes in order to teach others and himself—but mostly to teach himself.

I find that if I journal or make personal notes it helps me figure things out in my life. I guess when I see it in writing, right before my eyes, what’s coming straight out of me (you know), it really hits me hard if it’s something that’s not good. At least most of the time it does. I posted a journal entry a few days back that never hit me after I read it.

You know what I found out? God speaks to me. He literally does. I seriously sat down in bed this morning and had a conversation with God about being lonely. He doesn’t really say much, but he always corrects my thinking. Most of what he says to me can be summed up with “Wow, you’re stupid… you know better than that!” But it’s really cool. I guess I finally really God IS my conscience.