confused.

I’ve been in such a flurry of emotions lately that I finally became overwhelmed and I just decided to try to keep my mind off of my situation at hand, so as to not fall deeper into depression. Depression is something I’ve struggled with. I think it’s a big weakness of mine. True enough, I’ve never resorted to cutting or anything, but I have made some choices and screwed up good opportunities before when I was depressed.

In the midst of all this, I’ve not been able to face God. It’s just something that I haven’t been able to deal with yet. I still have not decided what I’m gonna do with myself in all this hardship, so I haven’t been able to pray about anything. I don’t want to say anything I don’t mean to God, but at the same time I really don’t want to say anything to Him. I don’t understand what’s going on right now, ultimately. I don’t understand what God is doing.

I’m just gonna let him do whatever he wants. I guess whatever’s gonna happen to me, he’s gonna decide anyway, so why should I bother him about it. I keep having these dreams, though. I know they’re from him, because it’s all about these preachers talking to me about “letting go of my anger” and “standing up and walking”, and stuff like that. I had this awful dream last night that I snuck out and my dad caught me and “the worst” happened. I’m not sure yet what “the worst” is, but they keep mentioning it whenever conversations keep coming up.

I still have no regret of what’s gone on. I’ve honestly never felt so sure of a decision I’ve made before, and I never felt so up to keeping such a big promise. It is something that I did in such earnest. It’s like I’m in trouble for something honest. In trouble for love. I think that’s why I’m confused. Wouldn’t this confuse you?