love.

I was thinking yesterday: wouldn’t it be so weird if God just came down (upon request or something) and told us if we were ever gonna marry, and if so who? Seriously, to me, that’d be like the coolest thing in the world cause I could rest my heart, you know? Either that or I could get working on it if I knew the person already or something.

Cause I know me—I never stop looking. And half the time I’m not doing it on purpose. Sometimes I really hate the way my heart was put together; it just gets in the way of things all the time. I can’t ever live a certain way the right way without something coming up. I’m always falling in love with someone. It’s total crap and I wish I could control it.

I guess that’s probably why I was thinking that yesterday. It gets so bad sometimes that if I sit down and think about someone long enough, *snap of the fingers* I fall in love with them. IT REALLY SUCKS. I hate being all sentimental and everything.

So if God was to come down and tell me “You’re gonna be single your entire life”, it’d be real hard, but I’d be better off than I am now cause I wouldn’t have my heart falling all over place over all these girls. I could be at rest, you know?

You ever gone out with someone you don’t love? It’s like eating Frosted Mini Wheats when you have a cold. You know what you’re eating but you can’t taste it and it’s just like chewing up a bunch of weeds. I can’t believe I’ve ever gone out with someone I didn’t actually know very well at all. But in the end, I can actually say I don’t regret it as much as going out with someone I knew quite well cause it didn’t hurt like at all when it ended, as opposed to it nearly tearing me APART a year ago.

Wow and I have a lot of friends who’ve always got some kinda love going, too. I guess I’m not the only one. But I know not everyone has the problem I do. But it seems like everyone’s got an “other half” right now. It gets kinda lonely sometimes when you sit down with a friend and all they talk about is their “other half”. It’s like either you wish they’d talk about something else, or you really miss the times when you used to be able to talk about YOUR “other half”. Wow, it’s been two years since when I started talking to Melanie for the first time.

Know what, it says it on Jenny’s shoelaces so I think I’ll agree—love sucks, and I’m glad I’m not in love today. I’m hoping this’ll last a little while too, cause I feel like having a good life right now.

state of our union: good.

No kidding, these past three days have probably taught me more than I have learned in a while, and it was all through conclusions, or realizations, that I came to. It’s definitely no joke when they say the Spirit talks to us, because I know he’s got a seat in my conscience.

It all started this week and the first realization came Friday. Issues I’m not going to discuss (because they aren’t important) were just driving me crazy all week long until Friday night. The point is that I was being driven crazy, not WHAT was driving me crazy. Friday night brought me to sit down and think about my life in one way or another—I think it was probably because Jenny asked me what was going on, and why I was being so quiet.

Well, on thinking about my life I can’t say I had the best and most enjoyable experience—it was quite the contrary. On Friday night I realized how much I really hate what my life results in when I do things on my own. I would regret to say (but will openly admit) that I haven’t done so well in the past week or so (half the reason why I haven’t been blogging as much about spiritual things) and that’s why I was able to look at my life as I live it alone on Friday night.

I was basically fully able to sit down and admit to the people that I talked to that “I hate my life”. But I didn’t understand it until last night. It really slapped me in the face when and I could actually sit down and say “I hate my life”.

Is there a way that we can properly surrender our lives to Christ without hating sin and our sinful tendencies? I think that at least it would be very hard and I can tell you from the way I am feeling right now that it has largely improved my understanding salvation now that I was able to admit to others (having come to the conclusion) that I hate my life.

Life can really suck when we’re doing it on our own, and that’s exactly why I’m better off than I was when I WAS doing it all on my own. At least I was granted the grace to live through it this time and come to this conclusion.

Well, Friday night treated me pretty bad. And that night was worse. I lied in bed all night depressed that I can’t stand my life. But Saturday brought me such joy that I can’t express how much I’m blessed—really.

Yesterday I spent all day out of town with friends watching a track meet. And we didn’t do anything like all day except sit around and enjoy each other. What a compliment to Friday night yesterday was! Saturday taught about how much I may hate my life, but people love me. Though it may have annoyed me a little yesterday I feel so loved right now that everyone wanted me to just be there and hang out with them.

So that’s what we did—all day… just hang out and have fun, and I think that I’ve probably had the best weekend of my life. And seriously, knowing that God gave this all to me one realization of harsh reality coupled with (and complimented by) a realization of a loving reality so that my life can improve makes me love him even more. Today the state of our union is good.

better than i was.

I had probably the most boring weekend of my entire life. We went to Houston to visit my grandma because she’s lonely and everything, so it was good that we were there and we lifted her spirits and everything, but her arm’s broken so we didn’t do ANYTHING all weekend long. She takes this medication that makes her sleep all day, too. I swear I watched more TV this weekend than I EVER HAVE in my ENTIRE LIFE. I hate TV, too. There aren’t many situations bad enough for me to sit down and watch it—well that goes to show you how boring this weekend was.

The only reason that I think I’ve always stayed on the good side of an unbeliever is because I’m careful not to treat them from a personal manner. Now, if we wanted to get personal, I could say a lot of things about any given person that I don’t like, but living as a Christian isn’t personal, is it? All you need to keep in mind about him is they doesn’t understand spiritual things, so trying to spur them on towards morality (whether in a loving way or not) isn’t gonna make sense. The ONLY way I’ve ever been able to get across to them is by sharing my personal experience—why I feel better off THAN I WAS before knowing Christ.

You ever heard the saying “We’re not better, we’re just better OFF” (relating to Christians and unbelievers)? Forgive me if you must, but on thinking about that saying and the context that it is often used in is often VERY OFFENSIVE. Here’s my spiel on it. Most often, people use the phrase in response to what kind of remark? One from an unbeliever saying something along the lines of “You Christians are so judgmental. You all just think you’re better than us.”

Pause there and think about it for a second. What’s going on in the unbeliever’s heart? Probably anger, right? They don’t understand spiritual things at all, so they’re thinking we’re just wearing the T-Shirt around to make them look bad, right? Most likely, remember I’m just using the “most often” scenario here…

So what’s the line fired back, “We’re not better, we’re just better OFF”. Read that again slowly. Are you picking up what I’m putting down? What’s the difference between “better” and “better off”. Think about it as a number line, positive numbers on the right, negative numbers on the left. If they were thinking mathematically (like I have the bad habit of doing), and I KNOW the wouldn’t be, they would see you putting them on the line as a “zero” or below because “we’re being judgmental”, right? So where would “better” or “better off” be? Above the zero. Doesn’t matter to them where, it’s above them. I conclude that when we say that, it’s offensive to the unbeliever and we lose ground.

Or maybe that doesn’t make enough sense. Try this. Ask yourself this question: “Is choosing Christianity logical?” You would say yes, right? It’s perfectly logical to choose to be saved and given eternal life and to choose hope, joy, and wisdom in a relationship with Christ, isn’t it? Well, what about to the unbelievers? Do they SEE these benefits yet? No, they are COMPLETELY DEAD spiritually. They don’t logically understand what we do or what we say. But we do. So, when we explain to them “We’re not better, just better OFF”, in our minds we’re right. We have hope, joy, and wisdom. But they only take it as an offense because they don’t get it.

So this brings me to my point. I seriously believe we’re supposed to be doing everything in our power to be evangelizing the unbelievers (and DON’T WORRY, I have a hard time doing it). I believe that in order to do that, we ought to be thinking very carefully about what we’re saying to them, being whether we are explaining things from our logic or theirs. And I scripture points out a humbling fact in Ephesians 2:8-9 “For it is by grace that we’ve been saved through faith. God did it all. It was not by our own works or by our own doing, because we’d be bragging about it.” If God didn’t feel gracious, we’d be lost. Everything’s controlled by God.

walk.

Here's a video I did today. Click Here to watch it. It's 15:04 minutes.

it's truth when i can get away with what i want to.

(An excerpt from my book, titled “My Life is the Stew in the Pot of my Façade”)

CHAPTER ONE.

I’m commenting before this journal just as a sort of disclaimer. I was really shocked when I went back through some of these journals, this one especially. I’m starting out the book with this journal entry because I want you to throw you directly into the most prideful documented parts of my life. This is really shocking to me because I know I’ve THOUGHT things like this before and cooled off after a while, but I actually wrote this down. And I am only showing you the stuff in this book for truth’s sake, NOT TO MAKE ANYONE ANGRY.

(This is a journal dating the end of summer 2005)

Dear diary of mine,

It’s been so long! Let me tell you all about my life. The wait and the worst are both over. I am complete. I have nothing lacking and I feel a sense of understanding of all things that are necessary to understand. Because, true, I still have question without answers, but I have the answers to so many questions that I need no more.

There comes a time when sitting down to sort out life is not enough to satisfy. There’s too much to think about, so I’ve simply given up. Apathy? On the contrary, I’ve given things a lot of thought recently, and I’ve not been able to help but see what all IS and WAS worthless in my life. So, covering up the grave, I left what I could behind.

You’ve no idea how many friends I’ve lost and how many more I am to lose sooner or later, not to mention how many people I’ve freaked out. God has it all under his arm and he’s gonna carry it with Him wherever he goes, though.

So, no worries right? Right. What have I to lose? Who are these people to me anymore? Hatred? On the contrary. Truth. Yes. Do I give a care about anyone but myself? No. So why try to? It’s pointless, it’s hypocritical.

What to do then? Follow truth. What are people to their (and my) Creator? Valuable. Equal, yet unique. So what to do with life? Make it true, make it honest.

It would be more truthful and less hypocritical to live like the jerk you are and accept it if you’re gonna be separate from Christ. But with Christ, we ought to rely on his will and do what he asks of us with his teachings (which are in the Gospels mainly).

I’m left with one unanswered question that I actually care about. So if you realize you’re a jerk and you were trying to hide it, would Christ condemn you for being a jerk, or for being a hypocrite? And would it be right to stop being a hypocrite and accept that you are a jerk? And live like you accept? Does the end justify the means?

People say that it never does, but I must confess that I am severely perplexed. I think I’ll research it and get back with you, diary.


So long for now,

RICHARD SINGER.


As you can see, I thought I had myself a way around sinning like I wanted to. I wanted to be a jerk to people and I wanted to hate people and get away with it, so I found a way around it. I said “this is how I am”, identifying with sin. I guess I was trying to fool myself that I was alright because I was at least truthful about my feelings.

As you can see, I had a lot of unexplained confidence at the time this journal was penned, and to tell the truth I don’t recall why I was so happy about losing all my friends. The funny thing is right now I feel like losing my friends would be one of the FATALEST things that could happen to me. I do remember this being around the time I lost my best friend to what I considered selfishness on their part and BOY DID I get an attitude about that…

Looking back through my history in sticky, prideful points always gives me the picture of myself backing away from everyone laughing and pointing my fingers at them “because I’m so right about everything” and not noticing the thousand-foot cliff behind me. Sure, everyone’s wrong about something sometime, but I’m always getting an attitude about being right. Makes me wish sometimes that people would DOWNPLAY me when I do right just to break me of the habit.

significance.

(Notes from Ephesians 1)

Things God did through sacrificing his Son and giving us the Holy Sprit:

• He takes us to the high places of blessing in him


• Before the beginning of time he had us in mind


• He settles on us as the focus of his love


• He decided to adopt us into his family though Jesus Christ


• He wanted us to enter into the celebration of his lavish gift-giving


• Because of his sacrifice we’re free of penalties and punishments


• He thought of everything we could possibly need and provided for it, because he let us in on the plans he took such a delight in making


• In Christ we find out who we are and what we are living for.


• Long before we first heard of Christ and got our hopes up, he had his eye on us, and designs on us for glorious living


• In Christ we found ourselves free—signed, sealed, and delivered.


• By being free, we have a reminder that we’ll get everything God has planned for us, a glorious life for him.

How is this applicable?

These few things from Ephesians 1 tell us enough already about how much God loves us. It talks about how he blesses us and provides for us, and how he sacrificed his only son for us.

But it’s not only that he loves us. Moreover, we are part of the plan. We’re like workers building a building. We are included in what he does. His big plan for the universe has our fingerprints on it, too—and he gave us this place. Not only are our sins paid for, we are free of penalties and punishments, and we’re working for God himself.

In Christ we are free. We find out who we are and why we are living. He gives us his work to do, and when we do it (obedience) we find out these things.

So where should we seek satisfaction? We should seek it in how much God loves us. It’s explained here.

got it.

got it... popped a string on first tune...
won't be able to play for a while now.
oh well, maybe my fingers will heal up a little in the meantime.

fever dreams.

These are some weird, unexplainable dreams that I had last night. I kinda wish I could film them or something, they were pretty cool.

Ok, I had some wild dreams last night. I can’t remember them completely, but here are the synopses. I don’t remember which part came after which, but there were like three or four parts. Seriously, I saw probably almost everyone I know in these dreams, too.

Ok, the dream was me and Isaac and Dad and we drove to Quemado for who knows what. I think it had something to do with my sister’s sheep cause my dad’s planning on selling one of them I think. Ok, so we get to Quemado, and Isaac get the idea to go see a friend we used to know who lived there. This guy’s name is Caleb Baker, and I haven’t seen him since like fifth grade, much less thought about the guy since then…

So suddenly Isaac and I get bikes somehow and we’re riding toward this guy’s house, who knows how we remember where the guy lives. I’m on this little BMX style bike and Isaac’s on a mountain bike. So we start out riding side by side reminiscing about the time we stayed at the guy’s house overnight and whatnot, and he gradually gets farther and farther ahead of me and our conversation ceases after not too long. Isaac always rode really far ahead of me on bikes; he’s got better stamina I think.

So we’re passing landmarks and stuff that I somehow recognize (although after the dream, I don’t recall ever seeing these things). We pass a shed that I recognize and like this big pasture with lots of horses and crap everywhere. And then, as we come up the hill, we see his house down the road. So we start biking quicker and head over to his house to find out he’s not home.

So we go exploring around, talking and everything but I don’t remember anything we said. It was probably the random chit chat in dreams that makes no sense whatsoever. But while looking around, we discover the guy’s house has like a CAR REPAIR FACILITY kinda like what you’d see in the repair shop of a car dealership and everything. So me and Isaac mess around with the tools and everything until someone pulls up in a green suburban and we bolt.

So we watch the family go inside and we follow them through the back door, just kinda showing up in there house and everything (really weird dream). And we find out it’s not Caleb Baker’s house, it’s our old friends from Fort Worth’s house. We used to be good friends with a family called the Vaughn’s and apparently they show up in Quemado in my dream. Really strange…

So the first part ended there and the second part was of Me and Hannah and we’re at Lori and Jenny Stevens’s house having dinner or something. I remember seeing Aaron there and talking to him to. This part of my dream was really short I remember and it really didn’t make much sense. All I remember is talking to Aaron about something I can’t recall, Jenny completely ignoring me, and me walking around their house a million times with Lori trying to find their piano. Apparently it was a different house from their one in San Antonio, cause I know where the piano is at that house.

Anyhow, I just remember not being able to find the piano, so I settled for this really ugly, half-broken organ and I played all these songs on it with Lori listening… that was about it.

In the third part I went to England with Chris and Jeremy, Matt and Michelle and Cade, Jenny, Becca, and Noel. Where everyone else was, I don’t know. So we drive to like San Antonio or something (cause that part wasn’t in the dream) and we take a flight over to England. The whole actual flight wasn’t in the dream only a couple minutes or so. I just remember sitting with Chris on one side and Noel on the other and Michelle in the row across the little walkways from us. Michelle kept smiling at me real weird… I remember that.

So anyways, we land in England and we’re somewhere on the coast. it didn’t really look like England from all the pictures I’ve seen of the coast because there were tropical-resembling trees everywhere. They kinda looked like a mix between a pine and a palm tree, and they had cones. The only reason I remember the trees so well is because there was one part in the dream after we landed and got a hotel room, I stood and stared out this giant window, making up and entire wall, and watched the trees blowing in the wind. I remember saying to Chris, “Oh my gosh, they look SO REAL”…

Anyhow, the hotel room we got was really nice. We must have been staying at a resort or something cause it was like a three-bedroom apartment with a kitchen and a living room. But the bedrooms were huge. Me and Chris and Jeremy shared one, the girls shared the other, and of course the Van Hooks had the last one. All I can really remember about the Hotel room was the couches were really comfortable and the carpets with dark brown (kinda ugly for a carpet)…

Anyhow, I remember getting there and then spending a night and going out the next day to the beach. This place must have been a bay or harbor or something because the beach down below this hotel ran parallel to a beach about six hundred feet across from it. So you could swim to the other side, which I remember Matt and Chris doing. The beach across from us was at the foot of this tall dark green hill and when you looked up, you could see all these birds flying around it.

Anyhow, I remember hanging out most of the morning with the Jenny and Noel underneath this big covered-shelter type of thing. It was like a roof supported by four pillars and it was completely made of stone (not cement). It was really cool underneath there. So we sat and talked (again, about what, I have no clue), until we decided to go walking down the beach.

Now the beach was sandy, but it was really stony, too. It was really weird, the stones were all smooth, though, so they didn’t hurt our feet. All I remember of the rest of the dream was me and Noel walking for miles and miles and talking about everything; Jenny had turned back after about fifteen minutes or so, she wanted to go swimming.

So those were my weird fever dreams.

guitar comin in.

As far as today goes, I still am not getting any “work” done. I received information this morning that my guitar is scheduled to get in tomorrow. To tell the truth, I’m thinking I prolly shouldn’t be getting my hopes up cause this is Del Rio we’re talking about. So I’m expecting it in within the next couple of days. I’m SO EXCITED, though. Preston’s guitar is pretty cool, but (you know) it’s different when you have your own and everything. Plus, it’s a lefty AND it’s acoustic (which is my favorite sound). The only bad thing is my fingers are already hurting from Preston’s electric. My middle finger is the biggest enemy.

I’m really happy I’ve been picking up guitar as fast as I have. Preston says I’m picking it up faster than he did, so I’m pretty surprised. Already I’ve figured out some Do Make Say Think and Iron and Wine, but I’m most excited about learning to play Pedro the Lion (of course). My style of music is most reminiscent to what you’d hear in a quiet Iron and Wine song, but (obviously) not as good (yet).

I have no clue how I’m going to record anything I write. I passed up getting a Galveston Acoustic/Electric to get this one (thinking it was a Martin). False advertising caused me to buy it. Oh well, it’s a Johnson and I heard they’re good enough…

Today I got a video of the kids playing with the sheep done. I’m not considering it “work” because it’s not an “artsy” production of mine. Use this link to watch it if you’re interested.

Anyways, not too much happened today, so I’m gonna wrap this up. Until next time.

the heart, the head, repentance.

Ok, here’s my biggest question right now:

When you repent (or are repentant), do you have to “break” in your heart?

Why do I have this question? This guy I’ve been talking to has been saying that, as a Christian, you shouldn’t be living from only your head or only your heart, but both. I really don’t get it. I mean, I know what it means—Pastor Joe says it all the time, “When we become Christians, we don’t just toss out all the common sense and live by our emotions.” But he has been telling me I am living completely out of my head. He is saying my prayers and repentance and everything’s coming straight out of my head.

This is the thing. I don’t know how to do it otherwise. I don’t think I really understand the difference. I learn things with my head, I make decisions with my head, and I realize things with my head. But what comes from the heart?

Maybe revelation… forgiveness… change. All those things are pretty much illogical to the head. Is repentance in the heart or the head? Repentance seems logical, I think. If I’m doing something wrong and my life’s being destroyed my head pretty much… WAIT… no, it doesn’t. I’ve done a lot of stupid stuff before with my head completely aware that my life was being destroyed. It’s my head that tries to go around those things so that I don’t sit down and think about them.

Ok, so I’ve established to myself that true repentance doesn’t come from the head. But how does it come from the heart? When I pray I honestly don’t feel incredible emotion streaming from my limbs to God or anything. I don’t know if that’s good or bad. Really, I don’t feel much more emotion (half the time) than talking to a friend and asking them favors. I’ve been very emotional in my prayer life lately because I just don’t understand the way things are supposed to be. But when I pray, I just pray. I don’t cry much; I don’t shake and fall on the floor. Maybe I’m just not in one of those really bad situations that would cause me to do that. I could imagine prayer after attempting suicide—there’d prolly be a lot of crying, shaking, and falling over.

This makes me doubt my faith… or maybe it just makes my HEAD doubt my faith. I’m not doubting CHRISTIANITY, I’m doubting me… maybe I SHOULD doubt me…

People say that repentance doesn’t have to mean an outburst of incredible emotion. I hope they’re right. My pastor even says that. I guess ultimately repentance results as a change and whether or not you cry and fall down doesn’t matter too much.

But is it a change of the heart, the head, or BOTH? Using what I understand, I guess it’s a change of heart. The heart is “the wellspring of life”, so in turn it would change your head, wouldn’t it? That’s what this guy I’m talking to says. I guess I’m getting it now.

When you’re hungry, you look for food. Pretend that hunger comes from the heart (that’s where our spiritual hunger lies after all). Your heart tells your head you’re hungry and your head knows exactly what to do. That’s the problem. Your head is “logical”; it finds “logical” answers. It finds “quick satisfaction” to things. I guess this is precisely why we get revenge so quickly when we’re not focusing on God. So suppose your hungry is satisfied… ALWAYS. From what I understand you can satisfy your heart’s hunger with Christ—the “bread of life”, the “water of life” right? So if there’s no hunger, there’s no searching for food and there’s no control over us by our head and there’s no desire for quick satisfaction.

Problem solved. It’s in the heart. Maybe that question up there isn’t the BIGGEST question, because from writing this all out I think these other questions were bigger. Now that we’ve established repentance lies in the heart, then it obviously causes something to happen inside—a “breakdown”, emotional or not.

But, one thing I DO understand is that I can’t change my heart. So all I need to do is prayerfully (and probably daily if not more often) ask God to change my heart so it will hunger for Him, and ask Him to fulfill the hunger through whatever He has me do.

new blogging.

I have decided to embark on a freer way of blogging so as to be physically able to blog often (the goal being a daily blog). But from knowing myself (quite well for that matter), I most likely won’t be blogging daily. But in restatement, I hope to blog often.

I haven’t got much “done” lately. I really haven’t been working on much—that’s the main reason. Basically I’ve decided to take a break from music and writing, so I can slow down and “sit down with myself” (as I often call it) and do some maintenance.

I’ve been learning a lot of stuff recently. It’s seems like every time I see something, there’s something greater ahead. I don’t know how to accurately explain my life’s situation right now, because I’ve found out EVERY TIME I TURN AROUND recently that I don’t know how to explain things about my life and the way that I believe AT ALL. It get’s really frustrating. All I can explain to anyone right now is that Jesus saved me, but I think that’s enough for anyone to understand, so I don’t really let it bother me. I’m just gonna keep going along learning one more good thing after another.

///

From where I’m standing right now, I’ve basically decided that music definitely isn’t something I wanna go into for a living. I won’t ever abandon my musical abilities, but I definitely don’t want to go into a career that has much to do with fame making my living. I have a self-control problem with fame—another thing I’ve seen popping up everywhere recently. However, my music endeavors have reached as far as getting a hold of an acoustic guitar, and I’m really excited about it.

My book is being postponed. I got maybe a third two half way done, but it was hard work and I got really confuse about the direction I wanted it to go. So I’ve set it down for right now. My other prose projects right now are also being postponed—I am taking a break from a lot right now.

However, photography will still be worked on. I haven’t done much in the past week or two, but my better stuff will be posted on my newly opened photo blog (linked from the opening of my website www.pippenfamily.com/noah). I got a new camera for my birthday and am still waiting for it to be repaired so I can take some good pictures. Whenever I get the next paycheck I’m getting a wide-angle lens for the thing and I’ll be set.

I’m working on getting a lawn-mowing job on base for the lawn-moving service. I’m not really too sure what all I’ll be mowing, but I guess all lawns are the same thing—grass and weeds. It’ll pay pretty good too, especially if I get the 20 hours a week that it calls for. I can do it too cause I’m home-schooled. So I’ll be making about $500 a month and I KNOW I can save up for a car this way. Oh yeah, I got my permit last Tuesday. Driving’s alright.

I’ve been able to get my hands on a Nintendo NES and Super NES recently. I haven’t been playing them too much, all except for Link to the Past on SNES—almost done with it. For the NES I have Super Mario Bros/Duck Hunt, Mario 3, Metroid, Jeopardy, Spy Hunter, Dragon Warrior, Volleyball, Pin Bot, and Ghostbusters. For SNES I have Super Mario World, Donkey Kong Country 2, Link to the Past, and Mario Kart. I’m not too much of a gamer, but I enjoy them every once in a while. I think I’m starting to turn into a “classic gamer” like Isaac. I just enjoy the old stuff better…

Anyways, there’s today’s blog.