it's truth when i can get away with what i want to.

(An excerpt from my book, titled “My Life is the Stew in the Pot of my Façade”)

CHAPTER ONE.

I’m commenting before this journal just as a sort of disclaimer. I was really shocked when I went back through some of these journals, this one especially. I’m starting out the book with this journal entry because I want you to throw you directly into the most prideful documented parts of my life. This is really shocking to me because I know I’ve THOUGHT things like this before and cooled off after a while, but I actually wrote this down. And I am only showing you the stuff in this book for truth’s sake, NOT TO MAKE ANYONE ANGRY.

(This is a journal dating the end of summer 2005)

Dear diary of mine,

It’s been so long! Let me tell you all about my life. The wait and the worst are both over. I am complete. I have nothing lacking and I feel a sense of understanding of all things that are necessary to understand. Because, true, I still have question without answers, but I have the answers to so many questions that I need no more.

There comes a time when sitting down to sort out life is not enough to satisfy. There’s too much to think about, so I’ve simply given up. Apathy? On the contrary, I’ve given things a lot of thought recently, and I’ve not been able to help but see what all IS and WAS worthless in my life. So, covering up the grave, I left what I could behind.

You’ve no idea how many friends I’ve lost and how many more I am to lose sooner or later, not to mention how many people I’ve freaked out. God has it all under his arm and he’s gonna carry it with Him wherever he goes, though.

So, no worries right? Right. What have I to lose? Who are these people to me anymore? Hatred? On the contrary. Truth. Yes. Do I give a care about anyone but myself? No. So why try to? It’s pointless, it’s hypocritical.

What to do then? Follow truth. What are people to their (and my) Creator? Valuable. Equal, yet unique. So what to do with life? Make it true, make it honest.

It would be more truthful and less hypocritical to live like the jerk you are and accept it if you’re gonna be separate from Christ. But with Christ, we ought to rely on his will and do what he asks of us with his teachings (which are in the Gospels mainly).

I’m left with one unanswered question that I actually care about. So if you realize you’re a jerk and you were trying to hide it, would Christ condemn you for being a jerk, or for being a hypocrite? And would it be right to stop being a hypocrite and accept that you are a jerk? And live like you accept? Does the end justify the means?

People say that it never does, but I must confess that I am severely perplexed. I think I’ll research it and get back with you, diary.


So long for now,

RICHARD SINGER.


As you can see, I thought I had myself a way around sinning like I wanted to. I wanted to be a jerk to people and I wanted to hate people and get away with it, so I found a way around it. I said “this is how I am”, identifying with sin. I guess I was trying to fool myself that I was alright because I was at least truthful about my feelings.

As you can see, I had a lot of unexplained confidence at the time this journal was penned, and to tell the truth I don’t recall why I was so happy about losing all my friends. The funny thing is right now I feel like losing my friends would be one of the FATALEST things that could happen to me. I do remember this being around the time I lost my best friend to what I considered selfishness on their part and BOY DID I get an attitude about that…

Looking back through my history in sticky, prideful points always gives me the picture of myself backing away from everyone laughing and pointing my fingers at them “because I’m so right about everything” and not noticing the thousand-foot cliff behind me. Sure, everyone’s wrong about something sometime, but I’m always getting an attitude about being right. Makes me wish sometimes that people would DOWNPLAY me when I do right just to break me of the habit.