boomeranging.

things are changing. i am really glad. it's not me that's changing them, it's jesus (throught AMAZING grace). all i'm doing is (finally) making the choice. seems like i've been walking around in an intersection for a while, not choosing any direction to wander down. well, there's a path now... and i'm at least walking.

i've been doing some reading lately. keeps my mind "distracted", but "focused" is more like it really i think (and my father has said to me). having scripture in my head is so helpful against the everyday stuff... all that stuff that wants to climb up on me and pull me down. it's different being able to use clean hands. it's even WEIRDER actually HAVING THEM for a change. none of this would happen without surrender, boy do i know.

i used to sit back and say that i wasn't getting worse as i sat around, i was only doing the same things... but in all that, i got farther and farther away, and i have felt it recently. i am coming back, but it's so far. it's been so long, really. now i know that once we're forgiven we're restored, i'm just saying i'm turning around and having to work through all the consequences.

i was sat down the other day and i was made to think about so to write out some of my recurring sins (with an accountability partner of mine). oh my gosh, you don't know what it's like to write down for someone and show them you're deepest inner sins. it felt like my life really broke... i've been living behind a stone wall for so long. well, i found out what most of my life in recent times has been sent pursuing--the things i readily deny the most.

it's so funny how become the very things we live to fight against. jesus talks about being critical in matthew, saying something very profound. the message translation (eugene peterson) says: "critical behavior has a way of boomeranging"... that's it.