notice.

Discontinued until further notice.

raleigh youth.

Entry that never made it in yesterday.

Today was cool.

This morning we visited a new bilingual church and Jesus spoke to me. I listened for the first time in a little while, and I caught some important stuff. It’s looking like our relationship is gonna be threading back together.

This afternoon I spent in Acuña with kids from Raleigh, North Carolina. They were all richer than what’s good for any family. Talking about their $13,000 used car their parents got them… stuff like that. However, as long as a kid will hold a conversation with me, I will hang out with any of them.

I spent most of the day with a scene kid named Bren and a girl named Julie. Bren reminded me so much of Fat Alex because of his feminine touch and clothing style, it was insane. Minus Alex’s attitude, though. This guy was pie to me and everyone, so I guess that’s why I hung out with him. Julie was cool because she listened to all the same music I do. Dashboard, Further Seems Forever, UnderOATH, all them. We walked around singing all our favorites all afternoon.

But, typically, and as I like to do, I left them all without any contact… completely anonymous. It was like reading a book about another town and other kids all afternoon. But it made it wish I either lived in Raleigh or they lived here, or some way that would make their youth group be an option, because I don’t have a youth group any more.

So I got back to Del Rio in time for work and they let me go after two hours when I was supposed to work until close last night.

So I spent last night riding in the back of a truck down a country road with my younger brothers and sisters and my little cousin Caden, and watching Glory Road with Hannah.

it's been so long, my friend.

Don't cry. I did.

who i am.

I have always been a man self-aware of his inner being.  I’m talking about the spirit inside of me. But I’m not speaking of the spiritual or religious phenomena, just the normal inner person who we really are. I’d like to say that I am more in touch with my emotions than I used to be because, as I’ve grown, I’ve paid more attention my spirit than my image, and I’ve communicated my heart in more honestly since then.

So, when I say I cry often people may take that I’m saying I have frequent breakdowns or such, but all that I am saying is that the little man who lives inside me cries a lot. I have gotten myself into this complex where I’ve paid more attention to the man inside me than logic sometimes. The man inside me says, “Say this.” And I do. The best way I guess I can put it is “earnest”.

The journey to get here was hard and I teetered over Niagara in the wheelbarrow for a little while there. I’d love to say I’ve always been generally honest and I have just been working harder towards it recently, but such is not the case. I’ve always generally been dishonest. And you wouldn’t believe what got me into the habit of communicating my emotions so vividly to everyone. It was my high horse.

Months ago, I decided that if I felt like I was gonna be a jerk, I’d better be one and not be a hypocrite who faked. Much has returned to slap my face, and the horse is corralled for the best part this day, but my honesty about what the man inside me wants to get out is still flowing through my veins.

Quiet, calm, and collective has been a recent development. I tried to start last summer when I began to disassociate with people (for my own personal gain: relief). I just began to shut up more I guess. As I began to slip out of select people’s lives (as I specifically want to leave chosen people in the dust) and slip into OTHER select people’s lives, I became minimally respected as someone who didn’t freak out easily. I just stuck to myself, in some comfortable and self-satisfying stubbornness.

Leaving school, scraping jail, and getting bombarded by Christian dogma only sent me running faster toward Quiet Hill, and now I can hardly convey my thoughts. But at least I still feel the dancing or fainting of that little man inside me. I’ve not been able to tell a lie to any person who’s genuinely asked and was genuinely paying attention to my given feelings.

Sometimes I wonder if people watching me think there’s something wrong. I hear a lot of cut-rate judgments from puffed-up adults about how they “can tell when something’s not right because look at the way he [or she] is dressed” and such. Makes me wonder if they’re Christian because it makes them feel wise. It’s awful hard to love them back when you know there’s things said about you.

travel.

Well, we were in Brownwood all day yesterday visiting Isaac. I took some wonderful photographs and videos with my new camera and will be constructing a DVD with all of it. If you want to see it, I’ll show it to you, but I guess it’s mainly for my family. But, as always, there will be some content posted online at my site.

Isaac’s doing well with two jobs, and I think he and his buddies are having some good times. The complex was on the creepier side, just like he told us… so I hope the best of luck to them all. We may take another trip up this summer.

In other news, I’m thinking I may not be as dedicated to my blog anymore as I am going to aim to spend more time on literature. However, keep checking back as often, because I can’t say anything for sure yet.

As for the way I’m feeling, I’ve had a peaceful last few days. I think I’ve been able to find a little corner to snuggle into and stay warm for a while. True, I can’t be in on any action, but at least I can watch from a distance. It’s better to observe life than to refuse it because I can only have half the popsicle. I feel like this “year away” is not a mistake, and this “year away” is for something good… something constructive… maybe to see how we grow up.

continuity.

OH... MY... GOSH...

THE NEW UNDEROATH.

CLICK HERE FOR THEIR PUREVOLUME PAGE...

the white room.

Sleeping, scared in a big white room
Underestimating time and when I’ll be through
With this crossing a bridge
That never seems to end
Ignoring myself
And tortured by everything else

Is there a lock on the door?
Or am I just afraid to cross the room
It’s so bright and so frightening
I can’t let my guard down anymore

Shoving the Diet Pill into my mouth
“It’s good for your healthiness”,
“You’ll be blessed”
But I could not care more less

Sitting alone under a blanket
Tying my shoes in many different ways
Trying to find preoccupation
Counting down how many more days

So how long will I last
I’ll be glad when it’s passed
And everything I have left
I will carry until death

Come and find me
Won’t you find me!
Will it be better of worse for us?

confused.

I’ve been in such a flurry of emotions lately that I finally became overwhelmed and I just decided to try to keep my mind off of my situation at hand, so as to not fall deeper into depression. Depression is something I’ve struggled with. I think it’s a big weakness of mine. True enough, I’ve never resorted to cutting or anything, but I have made some choices and screwed up good opportunities before when I was depressed.

In the midst of all this, I’ve not been able to face God. It’s just something that I haven’t been able to deal with yet. I still have not decided what I’m gonna do with myself in all this hardship, so I haven’t been able to pray about anything. I don’t want to say anything I don’t mean to God, but at the same time I really don’t want to say anything to Him. I don’t understand what’s going on right now, ultimately. I don’t understand what God is doing.

I’m just gonna let him do whatever he wants. I guess whatever’s gonna happen to me, he’s gonna decide anyway, so why should I bother him about it. I keep having these dreams, though. I know they’re from him, because it’s all about these preachers talking to me about “letting go of my anger” and “standing up and walking”, and stuff like that. I had this awful dream last night that I snuck out and my dad caught me and “the worst” happened. I’m not sure yet what “the worst” is, but they keep mentioning it whenever conversations keep coming up.

I still have no regret of what’s gone on. I’ve honestly never felt so sure of a decision I’ve made before, and I never felt so up to keeping such a big promise. It is something that I did in such earnest. It’s like I’m in trouble for something honest. In trouble for love. I think that’s why I’m confused. Wouldn’t this confuse you?

new endeavor.

Well, this is it. The next thing I'm buying. I'm actually not getting a "Z5", I'm getting a Z6. The only difference between the two is the Z5 is 5 megapixel and the Z6 is 6. Well, and the 6's usually come in a silver/gold-ish color scheme... but I personally think the black looks sleeker.

Anyways, I will probably buy one as soon as I can because I got paid today... but I won't be able to order the lens until I get my other checks.

taking up the yolk.

I feel much better today than I did yesterday. I never broke down, but I remember I cried a lot when I watched Unbreakable last night. It was at that part when David Dunn saves the family and everything, then he comes homes and carries his wife upstairs and tells her he “had a bad dream”… if you’ve seen the movie, you’d understand the story. I just felt “touched” (gay word, I know) by the way the love-story subplot unfolds in the film. And, of course, I cried when he passes the newspaper to his kid and everything.

Cavity filling hurt much less than expected. The first two shots kinda stung, but the last shot, the REALLY BIG ONE, didn’t feel it at all. However, I felt the drilling… but it wasn’t bad. He just said, “Oh, well I guess we didn’t let the anesthesia sink in enough.” But they filled it in like five minutes down and I was on my way. But I couldn’t eat for two hours and I was already starving when I went in there at 11:30. I just finished a wonderful bowl of white-bean chili. That stuff is godly.

I’m sensing it’s gonna be a pretty uneventful weekend. I feel like I might as well just have Rick schedule me for all day tomorrow because I doubt I’ll be allowed to go anywhere cool. If Josh or Chris or someone wants to hang out here tomorrow, though, I’ll totally be up for it.

I think I’m winding down a little from the excitement of my new laptop. I think I figured out why it was so cheap. The screen hinges in the back aren’t straight and I just noticed last night. And there’s NO WAY I’ve done anything that would have damaged this thing. I’ve carried it around like an infant for the past week since I’ve had it. Besides, I tried to budge them back to make them straight again, and it’s pretty stiff, so it would have had to be an awfully violent act to damage it like this. Perhaps they just make it defected in the factory. Anyways, it’s not that big a deal, and it’s hardly noticeable.

I think it was just being sick yesterday that got me down so much… and because I was thinking long and hard about whether I was ready to “move out and do what I want” or “stay and obey”. It got so confusing. I went back and forth all night. However, I think I’ve chosen to “stay and obey”. I think initially it was wrong to disobey my parents, but it seems like clarity has come out of it in the long run. Now I just need to bear down and take up the yolk for a while. It’s not like I’m enthusiastic about it, but it will prove its worth in the future.

the hurricane is above my head now.

Had no work today and I was glad. Sometimes the schedule can get a little overwhelming. Tomorrow I go in to get a cavity filled. Heard it’s painful. Not excited…

…yeah.

…felt sick this morning and knew I couldn’t go in. Felt like a zombie all day, then I had to mow the lawn. Went to my great-grandma’s house to wish her happy birthday and felt like such a fake, dirty liar. What do I even know about her?

This is one of the only weeks I’ve not wanted a weekend for. Wish it all could just flow into next week and there would be some unfamiliar loss of a familiar two days to cap the week. I hate working weekends.

Man, I’m gonna break down. I can feel it. I’ve had some awful fights with myself in the past 24 hours.