folding out.

Well I’m not going to take the time to explain what's been going on (politics) in Del Rio recently. I’ve already done that to too many people, and I think too many of them misused it. But everything's been folding out into just what is now a blank, flat piece of paper.

I’m not going to begin to explain the way things have been making me feel because I think if I was trying to put it into words, I’d end up adding things here and there that aren't completely true and I’d end up making myself believe these things. Someday I’m sure I’d look back and say "wonder where that came from", cuz that's what always happens.

It’s been about 2 months since I’ve been in this certain state of mind that has saved me from myself, and sleepless nights (to say the least). Most people hate me for it, but other people look up to me for it. It’s the people looking up to me for this that worry me, though. I’ve never been looked up to before. I’ve seen Isaac looked up to, but he's gone now.

It’s incredible, too. People at school even do the things I do. And it's not like the whole " 'younger brother does what older brother does' complex", it's more like "hey, that guy is cool and I wanna do that, too" complex. I take it back now, now that I’ve thought again, I DID have some people copy me, but not many. I was never a popular kid. but I used to hate it when people copied me, especially because I usually has the really abstract ideas come straight out of my mind, and I couldn't stand other people "being abstract". But I don't care anymore.

When it gets to the point, however, when your Christian brothers (and even sisters) copy you and end up faking Christianity, it's VERY WRONG. That’s why I am worried. I’m afraid this would happen. However, I have a lot of confidence in my Christian friends not to do any of this. It’s just that there have been times in my life, in my faith, that I have looked up to a Christian who was "further down the road" (further in understanding) than I was, and I wanted to be there. So, in order to "be there" immediately, I just started to do everything he did. This is bad cuz you can't "do what you wanna do, and do this" at the same time, whereas when you "get there" through training and time (and all the other things it takes), "doing what you wanna do" is what Christ wants to do. This becomes your desire.

About 2 months back I made the decision to distance myself from a lot of people. Now, most people think it's a wrong decision. Most people don't understand it, and they accuse me of "dropping" people. Well it's not a cruel thing, and it's not a careless thing. To tell the truth, it's more like a "care free" thing. But I realized my life was dependant on people. Now, not literally, it wasn't a life or death situation, but you know what I mean: emotions and even spirituality. Besides, I try to flee from pressure. in order to correctly understand the nature of my decision let me assure you that 1) I still talk to these people 2) I still go places with these people 3) I am still there if they need me. But, I can't live in the same field with them anymore; I need to be exploring truth on my own... more like, I need to be exploring truth, PERIOD.

Bible study last night was really confusing. It was normal at first: we sung, then talked a little, prayed, and had the lesson. But matt decided to do something different afterwards. He called it "after-glow" or something like that. We basically sang songs and read scripture in between. Sort of like the meditation that proverbs talks about and stuff. I read a few psalms and some other scriptures that I thought went along with the same point as the songs, and it all kinda sunk into everyone like a sponge. IT FELT SO HEALTHY. I don't think I’ve ever done anything like that in years. It was just a time to worship and let it all sink in, to stop and settle down. And we WERE settled down, we were like laying on the floor and the couches, it was awesome, literally awesome.

I think it got a lot of the kids there to think, and that's another reason why it was so awesome. A few of us even started crying. I guess it's hard when you live your life like a surfer and when the waves are gone and you're forced back to the shore, you have nothing left to do but look at your surrounding and everything you've been away from all day or all week, month, or year.

But I’m praying for them and I felt the convicting too. I know where to go and what to do. I realized last night that I felt steady in the presence of him with us and YOU DON'T KNOW HOW REWARDING IT FEELS. I’ve always done things for months on end, thinking I’d be right in the end, but never felt steady and sure in his presence, especially when I prayed. But I was last night.