Blog change!

Go to noahpippen.blogspot.com now.

all of it was a game.

All of it was a game, you’re right. Because now you are fighting for your victory and my loss, but how did it really end? You think you know my intentions start to finish, but you were never able to tell if I felt the same as you at a given moment when we were “such a pair”. Knowledge doesn’t walk straight through your front door and turn on the TV, he spends a while on your front porch in short visits until he gets comfortable.

I thought I was doing something right when I turned my back on my promises. Now I know I was right. I didn’t change my mind, you changed it. Now you fly your colors. Now everyone does. Fine bunch of lads, fine bunch of gals. Bunch of worthless aimless crusaders barfing the name of God and stabbing themselves in the chest in front of the poor. I’ve forgotten the days I met you all.

Seems like if I’m a liar and people know it, I am hated. Seems like if I lie and people don’t know it, I’m loved but I hate myself. Then it seems like if I surrender my lying and change my ways, I am hated by people but I can live with myself. I can live with myself, that’s why I turned my back.
I’d rather leave my lover than lie to those closer. My dad comes first. He was right about the whole thing before it began. He told me how it would end up. It came to pass as thus.

Now you fight. But who are you fighting for? Who are you fighting against? If I’m the enemy, you have missed me by miles, cause I’m way down the road. I’ve been on my way now for over two months to forgetting this all, and it will all be gone in my mind quicker than it will in yours. So who really won the game? Who is the one who is fighting diehard to cover up a loss? Only one of us feels loss.

And you all can point at me. You all, feel free. Yeah, I’ve cussed people out and I’m not perhaps the best romance. I spoiled your food, your ever-so-tasty tidbits because I didn’t fit the line. You decided you’d send me to hell with my disbelieving brothers. I missed your mark. You are God himself.

There is no God. You all just have a guilt problem and there’s a fantastic solution for 25 bucks in book stores, if you buy the leather-bound version.

I won’t be a fool.

notice.

Discontinued until further notice.

raleigh youth.

Entry that never made it in yesterday.

Today was cool.

This morning we visited a new bilingual church and Jesus spoke to me. I listened for the first time in a little while, and I caught some important stuff. It’s looking like our relationship is gonna be threading back together.

This afternoon I spent in Acuña with kids from Raleigh, North Carolina. They were all richer than what’s good for any family. Talking about their $13,000 used car their parents got them… stuff like that. However, as long as a kid will hold a conversation with me, I will hang out with any of them.

I spent most of the day with a scene kid named Bren and a girl named Julie. Bren reminded me so much of Fat Alex because of his feminine touch and clothing style, it was insane. Minus Alex’s attitude, though. This guy was pie to me and everyone, so I guess that’s why I hung out with him. Julie was cool because she listened to all the same music I do. Dashboard, Further Seems Forever, UnderOATH, all them. We walked around singing all our favorites all afternoon.

But, typically, and as I like to do, I left them all without any contact… completely anonymous. It was like reading a book about another town and other kids all afternoon. But it made it wish I either lived in Raleigh or they lived here, or some way that would make their youth group be an option, because I don’t have a youth group any more.

So I got back to Del Rio in time for work and they let me go after two hours when I was supposed to work until close last night.

So I spent last night riding in the back of a truck down a country road with my younger brothers and sisters and my little cousin Caden, and watching Glory Road with Hannah.

it's been so long, my friend.

Don't cry. I did.

who i am.

I have always been a man self-aware of his inner being.  I’m talking about the spirit inside of me. But I’m not speaking of the spiritual or religious phenomena, just the normal inner person who we really are. I’d like to say that I am more in touch with my emotions than I used to be because, as I’ve grown, I’ve paid more attention my spirit than my image, and I’ve communicated my heart in more honestly since then.

So, when I say I cry often people may take that I’m saying I have frequent breakdowns or such, but all that I am saying is that the little man who lives inside me cries a lot. I have gotten myself into this complex where I’ve paid more attention to the man inside me than logic sometimes. The man inside me says, “Say this.” And I do. The best way I guess I can put it is “earnest”.

The journey to get here was hard and I teetered over Niagara in the wheelbarrow for a little while there. I’d love to say I’ve always been generally honest and I have just been working harder towards it recently, but such is not the case. I’ve always generally been dishonest. And you wouldn’t believe what got me into the habit of communicating my emotions so vividly to everyone. It was my high horse.

Months ago, I decided that if I felt like I was gonna be a jerk, I’d better be one and not be a hypocrite who faked. Much has returned to slap my face, and the horse is corralled for the best part this day, but my honesty about what the man inside me wants to get out is still flowing through my veins.

Quiet, calm, and collective has been a recent development. I tried to start last summer when I began to disassociate with people (for my own personal gain: relief). I just began to shut up more I guess. As I began to slip out of select people’s lives (as I specifically want to leave chosen people in the dust) and slip into OTHER select people’s lives, I became minimally respected as someone who didn’t freak out easily. I just stuck to myself, in some comfortable and self-satisfying stubbornness.

Leaving school, scraping jail, and getting bombarded by Christian dogma only sent me running faster toward Quiet Hill, and now I can hardly convey my thoughts. But at least I still feel the dancing or fainting of that little man inside me. I’ve not been able to tell a lie to any person who’s genuinely asked and was genuinely paying attention to my given feelings.

Sometimes I wonder if people watching me think there’s something wrong. I hear a lot of cut-rate judgments from puffed-up adults about how they “can tell when something’s not right because look at the way he [or she] is dressed” and such. Makes me wonder if they’re Christian because it makes them feel wise. It’s awful hard to love them back when you know there’s things said about you.

travel.

Well, we were in Brownwood all day yesterday visiting Isaac. I took some wonderful photographs and videos with my new camera and will be constructing a DVD with all of it. If you want to see it, I’ll show it to you, but I guess it’s mainly for my family. But, as always, there will be some content posted online at my site.

Isaac’s doing well with two jobs, and I think he and his buddies are having some good times. The complex was on the creepier side, just like he told us… so I hope the best of luck to them all. We may take another trip up this summer.

In other news, I’m thinking I may not be as dedicated to my blog anymore as I am going to aim to spend more time on literature. However, keep checking back as often, because I can’t say anything for sure yet.

As for the way I’m feeling, I’ve had a peaceful last few days. I think I’ve been able to find a little corner to snuggle into and stay warm for a while. True, I can’t be in on any action, but at least I can watch from a distance. It’s better to observe life than to refuse it because I can only have half the popsicle. I feel like this “year away” is not a mistake, and this “year away” is for something good… something constructive… maybe to see how we grow up.

continuity.

OH... MY... GOSH...

THE NEW UNDEROATH.

CLICK HERE FOR THEIR PUREVOLUME PAGE...

the white room.

Sleeping, scared in a big white room
Underestimating time and when I’ll be through
With this crossing a bridge
That never seems to end
Ignoring myself
And tortured by everything else

Is there a lock on the door?
Or am I just afraid to cross the room
It’s so bright and so frightening
I can’t let my guard down anymore

Shoving the Diet Pill into my mouth
“It’s good for your healthiness”,
“You’ll be blessed”
But I could not care more less

Sitting alone under a blanket
Tying my shoes in many different ways
Trying to find preoccupation
Counting down how many more days

So how long will I last
I’ll be glad when it’s passed
And everything I have left
I will carry until death

Come and find me
Won’t you find me!
Will it be better of worse for us?

confused.

I’ve been in such a flurry of emotions lately that I finally became overwhelmed and I just decided to try to keep my mind off of my situation at hand, so as to not fall deeper into depression. Depression is something I’ve struggled with. I think it’s a big weakness of mine. True enough, I’ve never resorted to cutting or anything, but I have made some choices and screwed up good opportunities before when I was depressed.

In the midst of all this, I’ve not been able to face God. It’s just something that I haven’t been able to deal with yet. I still have not decided what I’m gonna do with myself in all this hardship, so I haven’t been able to pray about anything. I don’t want to say anything I don’t mean to God, but at the same time I really don’t want to say anything to Him. I don’t understand what’s going on right now, ultimately. I don’t understand what God is doing.

I’m just gonna let him do whatever he wants. I guess whatever’s gonna happen to me, he’s gonna decide anyway, so why should I bother him about it. I keep having these dreams, though. I know they’re from him, because it’s all about these preachers talking to me about “letting go of my anger” and “standing up and walking”, and stuff like that. I had this awful dream last night that I snuck out and my dad caught me and “the worst” happened. I’m not sure yet what “the worst” is, but they keep mentioning it whenever conversations keep coming up.

I still have no regret of what’s gone on. I’ve honestly never felt so sure of a decision I’ve made before, and I never felt so up to keeping such a big promise. It is something that I did in such earnest. It’s like I’m in trouble for something honest. In trouble for love. I think that’s why I’m confused. Wouldn’t this confuse you?