i am tom sawyer.

Blog change!

2006-12-13T11:08:00.000-06:00

all of it was a game.

2006-08-07T21:39:00.000-05:00

All of it was a game, you’re right. Because now you are fighting for your victory and my loss, but how did it really end? You think you know my intentions start to finish, but you were never able to tell if I felt the same as you at a given moment when we were “such a pair”. Knowledge doesn’t walk straight through your front door and turn on the TV, he spends a while on your front porch in short visits until he gets comfortable.

I thought I was doing something right when I turned my back on my promises. Now I know I was right. I didn’t change my mind, you changed it. Now you fly your colors. Now everyone does. Fine bunch of lads, fine bunch of gals. Bunch of worthless aimless crusaders barfing the name of God and stabbing themselves in the chest in front of the poor. I’ve forgotten the days I met you all.

Seems like if I’m a liar and people know it, I am hated. Seems like if I lie and people don’t know it, I’m loved but I hate myself. Then it seems like if I surrender my lying and change my ways, I am hated by people but I can live with myself. I can live with myself, that’s why I turned my back.
I’d rather leave my lover than lie to those closer. My dad comes first. He was right about the whole thing before it began. He told me how it would end up. It came to pass as thus.

Now you fight. But who are you fighting for? Who are you fighting against? If I’m the enemy, you have missed me by miles, cause I’m way down the road. I’ve been on my way now for over two months to forgetting this all, and it will all be gone in my mind quicker than it will in yours. So who really won the game? Who is the one who is fighting diehard to cover up a loss? Only one of us feels loss.

And you all can point at me. You all, feel free. Yeah, I’ve cussed people out and I’m not perhaps the best romance. I spoiled your food, your ever-so-tasty tidbits because I didn’t fit the line. You decided you’d send me to hell with my disbelieving brothers. I missed your mark. You are God himself.

There is no God. You all just have a guilt problem and there’s a fantastic solution for 25 bucks in book stores, if you buy the leather-bound version.

I won’t be a fool.

notice.

2006-06-23T10:22:00.000-05:00

Discontinued until further notice.

raleigh youth.

2006-06-19T08:46:00.000-05:00

Entry that never made it in yesterday.

Today was cool.

This morning we visited a new bilingual church and Jesus spoke to me. I listened for the first time in a little while, and I caught some important stuff. It’s looking like our relationship is gonna be threading back together.

This afternoon I spent in Acuña with kids from Raleigh, North Carolina. They were all richer than what’s good for any family. Talking about their $13,000 used car their parents got them… stuff like that. However, as long as a kid will hold a conversation with me, I will hang out with any of them.

I spent most of the day with a scene kid named Bren and a girl named Julie. Bren reminded me so much of Fat Alex because of his feminine touch and clothing style, it was insane. Minus Alex’s attitude, though. This guy was pie to me and everyone, so I guess that’s why I hung out with him. Julie was cool because she listened to all the same music I do. Dashboard, Further Seems Forever, UnderOATH, all them. We walked around singing all our favorites all afternoon.

But, typically, and as I like to do, I left them all without any contact… completely anonymous. It was like reading a book about another town and other kids all afternoon. But it made it wish I either lived in Raleigh or they lived here, or some way that would make their youth group be an option, because I don’t have a youth group any more.

So I got back to Del Rio in time for work and they let me go after two hours when I was supposed to work until close last night.

So I spent last night riding in the back of a truck down a country road with my younger brothers and sisters and my little cousin Caden, and watching Glory Road with Hannah.

it's been so long, my friend.

2006-06-16T10:12:00.000-05:00

Don't cry. I did.

who i am.

2006-06-14T09:21:00.000-05:00

I have always been a man self-aware of his inner being. I’m talking about the spirit inside of me. But I’m not speaking of the spiritual or religious phenomena, just the normal inner person who we really are. I’d like to say that I am more in touch with my emotions than I used to be because, as I’ve grown, I’ve paid more attention my spirit than my image, and I’ve communicated my heart in more honestly since then.

So, when I say I cry often people may take that I’m saying I have frequent breakdowns or such, but all that I am saying is that the little man who lives inside me cries a lot. I have gotten myself into this complex where I’ve paid more attention to the man inside me than logic sometimes. The man inside me says, “Say this.” And I do. The best way I guess I can put it is “earnest”.

The journey to get here was hard and I teetered over Niagara in the wheelbarrow for a little while there. I’d love to say I’ve always been generally honest and I have just been working harder towards it recently, but such is not the case. I’ve always generally been dishonest. And you wouldn’t believe what got me into the habit of communicating my emotions so vividly to everyone. It was my high horse.

Months ago, I decided that if I felt like I was gonna be a jerk, I’d better be one and not be a hypocrite who faked. Much has returned to slap my face, and the horse is corralled for the best part this day, but my honesty about what the man inside me wants to get out is still flowing through my veins.

Quiet, calm, and collective has been a recent development. I tried to start last summer when I began to disassociate with people (for my own personal gain: relief). I just began to shut up more I guess. As I began to slip out of select people’s lives (as I specifically want to leave chosen people in the dust) and slip into OTHER select people’s lives, I became minimally respected as someone who didn’t freak out easily. I just stuck to myself, in some comfortable and self-satisfying stubbornness.

Leaving school, scraping jail, and getting bombarded by Christian dogma only sent me running faster toward Quiet Hill, and now I can hardly convey my thoughts. But at least I still feel the dancing or fainting of that little man inside me. I’ve not been able to tell a lie to any person who’s genuinely asked and was genuinely paying attention to my given feelings.

Sometimes I wonder if people watching me think there’s something wrong. I hear a lot of cut-rate judgments from puffed-up adults about how they “can tell when something’s not right because look at the way he [or she] is dressed” and such. Makes me wonder if they’re Christian because it makes them feel wise. It’s awful hard to love them back when you know there’s things said about you.

travel.

2006-06-12T09:02:00.000-05:00

Well, we were in Brownwood all day yesterday visiting Isaac. I took some wonderful photographs and videos with my new camera and will be constructing a DVD with all of it. If you want to see it, I’ll show it to you, but I guess it’s mainly for my family. But, as always, there will be some content posted online at my site.

Isaac’s doing well with two jobs, and I think he and his buddies are having some good times. The complex was on the creepier side, just like he told us… so I hope the best of luck to them all. We may take another trip up this summer.

In other news, I’m thinking I may not be as dedicated to my blog anymore as I am going to aim to spend more time on literature. However, keep checking back as often, because I can’t say anything for sure yet.

As for the way I’m feeling, I’ve had a peaceful last few days. I think I’ve been able to find a little corner to snuggle into and stay warm for a while. True, I can’t be in on any action, but at least I can watch from a distance. It’s better to observe life than to refuse it because I can only have half the popsicle. I feel like this “year away” is not a mistake, and this “year away” is for something good… something constructive… maybe to see how we grow up.

continuity.

2006-06-08T22:17:00.000-05:00

OH... MY... GOSH...

THE NEW UNDEROATH.

CLICK HERE FOR THEIR PUREVOLUME PAGE...

the white room.

2006-06-08T22:16:00.000-05:00

Sleeping, scared in a big white room
Underestimating time and when I’ll be through
With this crossing a bridge
That never seems to end
Ignoring myself
And tortured by everything else

Is there a lock on the door?
Or am I just afraid to cross the room
It’s so bright and so frightening
I can’t let my guard down anymore

Shoving the Diet Pill into my mouth
“It’s good for your healthiness”,
“You’ll be blessed”
But I could not care more less

Sitting alone under a blanket
Tying my shoes in many different ways
Trying to find preoccupation
Counting down how many more days

So how long will I last
I’ll be glad when it’s passed
And everything I have left
I will carry until death

Come and find me
Won’t you find me!
Will it be better of worse for us?

confused.

2006-06-07T17:56:00.000-05:00

I’ve been in such a flurry of emotions lately that I finally became overwhelmed and I just decided to try to keep my mind off of my situation at hand, so as to not fall deeper into depression. Depression is something I’ve struggled with. I think it’s a big weakness of mine. True enough, I’ve never resorted to cutting or anything, but I have made some choices and screwed up good opportunities before when I was depressed.

In the midst of all this, I’ve not been able to face God. It’s just something that I haven’t been able to deal with yet. I still have not decided what I’m gonna do with myself in all this hardship, so I haven’t been able to pray about anything. I don’t want to say anything I don’t mean to God, but at the same time I really don’t want to say anything to Him. I don’t understand what’s going on right now, ultimately. I don’t understand what God is doing.

I’m just gonna let him do whatever he wants. I guess whatever’s gonna happen to me, he’s gonna decide anyway, so why should I bother him about it. I keep having these dreams, though. I know they’re from him, because it’s all about these preachers talking to me about “letting go of my anger” and “standing up and walking”, and stuff like that. I had this awful dream last night that I snuck out and my dad caught me and “the worst” happened. I’m not sure yet what “the worst” is, but they keep mentioning it whenever conversations keep coming up.

I still have no regret of what’s gone on. I’ve honestly never felt so sure of a decision I’ve made before, and I never felt so up to keeping such a big promise. It is something that I did in such earnest. It’s like I’m in trouble for something honest. In trouble for love. I think that’s why I’m confused. Wouldn’t this confuse you?

new endeavor.

2006-06-02T22:22:00.000-05:00

Well, this is it. The next thing I'm buying. I'm actually not getting a "Z5", I'm getting a Z6. The only difference between the two is the Z5 is 5 megapixel and the Z6 is 6. Well, and the 6's usually come in a silver/gold-ish color scheme... but I personally think the black looks sleeker.

Anyways, I will probably buy one as soon as I can because I got paid today... but I won't be able to order the lens until I get my other checks.

taking up the yolk.

2006-06-02T15:00:00.000-05:00

I feel much better today than I did yesterday. I never broke down, but I remember I cried a lot when I watched Unbreakable last night. It was at that part when David Dunn saves the family and everything, then he comes homes and carries his wife upstairs and tells her he “had a bad dream”… if you’ve seen the movie, you’d understand the story. I just felt “touched” (gay word, I know) by the way the love-story subplot unfolds in the film. And, of course, I cried when he passes the newspaper to his kid and everything.

Cavity filling hurt much less than expected. The first two shots kinda stung, but the last shot, the REALLY BIG ONE, didn’t feel it at all. However, I felt the drilling… but it wasn’t bad. He just said, “Oh, well I guess we didn’t let the anesthesia sink in enough.” But they filled it in like five minutes down and I was on my way. But I couldn’t eat for two hours and I was already starving when I went in there at 11:30. I just finished a wonderful bowl of white-bean chili. That stuff is godly.

I’m sensing it’s gonna be a pretty uneventful weekend. I feel like I might as well just have Rick schedule me for all day tomorrow because I doubt I’ll be allowed to go anywhere cool. If Josh or Chris or someone wants to hang out here tomorrow, though, I’ll totally be up for it.

I think I’m winding down a little from the excitement of my new laptop. I think I figured out why it was so cheap. The screen hinges in the back aren’t straight and I just noticed last night. And there’s NO WAY I’ve done anything that would have damaged this thing. I’ve carried it around like an infant for the past week since I’ve had it. Besides, I tried to budge them back to make them straight again, and it’s pretty stiff, so it would have had to be an awfully violent act to damage it like this. Perhaps they just make it defected in the factory. Anyways, it’s not that big a deal, and it’s hardly noticeable.

I think it was just being sick yesterday that got me down so much… and because I was thinking long and hard about whether I was ready to “move out and do what I want” or “stay and obey”. It got so confusing. I went back and forth all night. However, I think I’ve chosen to “stay and obey”. I think initially it was wrong to disobey my parents, but it seems like clarity has come out of it in the long run. Now I just need to bear down and take up the yolk for a while. It’s not like I’m enthusiastic about it, but it will prove its worth in the future.

the hurricane is above my head now.

2006-06-01T22:47:00.000-05:00

Had no work today and I was glad. Sometimes the schedule can get a little overwhelming. Tomorrow I go in to get a cavity filled. Heard it’s painful. Not excited…

…yeah.

…felt sick this morning and knew I couldn’t go in. Felt like a zombie all day, then I had to mow the lawn. Went to my great-grandma’s house to wish her happy birthday and felt like such a fake, dirty liar. What do I even know about her?

This is one of the only weeks I’ve not wanted a weekend for. Wish it all could just flow into next week and there would be some unfamiliar loss of a familiar two days to cap the week. I hate working weekends.

Man, I’m gonna break down. I can feel it. I’ve had some awful fights with myself in the past 24 hours.

humanimals.

2006-05-31T18:41:00.000-05:00

Ever met one of those americhristians who jump out of their skin when someone suggests that we are animals? I was just thinking about that right now. So I said something to one of my sisters, and they got all defensive suddenly about how it was stupid and said something about God not creating us as animals.

I guess I was wondering how it really had any connection with Christianity. So I reasoned with my sisters, as I am apt to doing. I see them turning into bitter people, or people who automatically turn up their chin to people who don’t believe alike. Anyways I explained that the people who proclaim that we are animals are scientists who are looking at just the physical facts: our bodies work like animal’s bodies do.

Still they were saying that people who think we’re animals are “idiots”, so I reasoned further. Perhaps scientists don’t realize the difference between us and animals is that we have a soul and spirit, and animals don’t. This is one fact that science won’t look at however, so there’s no convincing any scientist that we aren’t animals. So, I basically told them that they should just ignore science’s ignorance. But I they still acted intolerant.

Yeah, me and Josh have had some good long talks about americhristians before. They are rather shameful, sorta like a new guy at work who makes a fool out of himself.

memories.

2006-05-31T11:16:00.000-05:00

In the past 24 hours I’ve had such a flood of memories in my head that it’s been awe-inspiring. My new computer has this program that will play a slideshow of all the photos on your computer in random order and with music going in the background. So I laid in bed from midnight until two last night watching the slideshow of my photos. That’s where all the memories were coming from… but they mostly were memories of the last two summers…

Glorieta… Fiesta TX… hanging out with Chris, J, and Preston that one day…

and even the Fiesta TX when I met Jenny and Kendrick, and there and back when we discussed movies we liked and didn’t like and how I hated my new braces.

Then, of course, there was the classic “look at how much we’ve grown” memories.

There were memories of that day at Wendy’s when all went to the mall and the kids rode that horse ride up by Hibbet Sports… playing (more like watching) DDR before it left the arcade.

Then there was the day we dressed up Chris in combat boots, trench coat, and gas mask and walked down the road just to watch people stare at him cause no one expected some 6-foot dude in a gas mask to be around the corner.

All those memories of Glorieta came back. Like the first full day, where we just walked around the whole place so I could take photographs of it all. The little park in the center of the camp with 40, 50 foot trees was really cool, and the lake.

Then, of course, for al the photos I lost I had memories, too. Like all the days hanging out with Allison before he left last summer and how we’d just go to places all day and talk… we’d always end up at Wal-Mart.

The pictures of Lost Maples and all the Bible Quizzing meets are also gone. It’s sad to accept. Those were some good times.

Looking back, though, I think in spite of everything bad that’s happened over the past few years, I’m always saying “those were the good times”. I think sometimes when I look back at life this way, I appreciate it. And it’s not like right now is not going well, it’s fine. It’s just that I wish I could go back and relive those moments somehow more fuller or more easier.

And, yes, sometimes memories make me cry, too.

rubberneckers.

2006-05-30T10:43:00.000-05:00

I’ve gotten the message about spending time doing my own thing lately. Seems like sometimes we’ll just sit back, saying, “wow, it’s been a while since I read anything and learned. And it’s been a while since I’ve given God a few good words or so,” but no more thought will go towards it after we’ve admitted it to everyone and they’ve admitted it to us. Do we just get justification from knowing it’s everyone’s same problem too? I guess I have before. Seems like I haven’t put much thought toward that either.

I guess that might be why things never seem to get very far off the ground in that area for me. I mean, honestly, it’s not as if reading the Bible is what God wants us to sit around and do with our whole lives. But still, I’m sure it deserves a few more reads than it gets from me. And I’m sure I need to give it a few more reads. I think perhaps if I had consulted God on more events of late, so much confusion would not have plagued me.

Sometimes I feel like I’ve been running away from home and watching the house shrink behind me faster than I had expected as I look over my shoulder every minute and a half. Then nightfall reaches me and I feel so pointlessly foolish for having left home in the first place. There’s nothing for me outside of home.

*** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***

I’ve continually been getting complaints from people about other people, and it really didn’t bug me until the other day when I discovered everyone’s “new subject” was me and the spectacle I had made of Jenny and myself. I don’t know who was leaking the word to EVERYONE, but quite literally enraged me. I guess I didn’t mind all the gossip until it was concentrated on me. And it was concentrated on me, I was somehow the enemy of all of it, and I really don’t think there was relevance to “who was wrong and who was right” when I said what I said and she did what she did.

So you can imagine the comments I got from some people, but you probably couldn’t imagine my replies. I don’t think I’d been so down right harsh to people in a while. I chewed Chris out, and I don’t feel bad about it. He knowsnothing of what went on, and what goes on inside me at any time for that matter. He and the rest of those kids need to mind their own business, and I purposely avoided the rest of them on Sunday so as to not explode any fuller.

Rubberneckers.

summer day one.

2006-05-29T20:41:00.000-05:00

Well, today’s been pretty awesome so far. Hopefully that won’t change through any misfortune. I relish good days… especially lately. I am off today, so you know what that means: I’ve gotten to sit around on my new computer all day. Yeah, I’m still not sick of it. Heck, if JOSH isn’t sick of his “new computer” and it’s almost a year old, it may take me a while. I carry this thing around like it’s a baby girl.

Right now, I’m trying to figure out how to rip DVDs to my hard drive so I don’t have to carry around the actual discs everywhere with me (as if it would be that hard). So far, it’s lookin like there’s no Window programs that’re gonna do a good job. Typical. Josh could rip DVDs from DAY ONE on his Mac I think. Oh well, we can’t all be rich.

Well, now I guess I won’t be able to see my friends three times a week anymore. I know AWANA ended a few weeks back, but I guess I didn’t feel the effects until now. It really kinda sucks. I mean, I was HOME all the freakin time being homeschooled and all. It doesn’t even feel like summer, cause what am I STILL DOING? Sitting around at home without any friends.

I think Hannah and I are gonna watch the rest of Lonesome Dove tonight. This will be my second time through the series, and I’m loving it just the same as the first time. I think that’s probably one of the best movies I’ve ever seen. It’s such a good love story.

I seriously have NOTHING to write about. Chris, Josh, and I aren’t meeting tonight. It kinda sucks. Josh went out of town and didn’t tell me, and Chris just has other plans (for the THIRD WEEK IN A ROW). I’m starting to think it was some aimless desire. Oh well, maybe we’ll meet again next week.

I’m gonna find something else to do now.

isaac spits.

2006-05-29T13:31:00.000-05:00

life.

2006-05-28T15:40:00.000-05:00

It astonishes me that every time I turn around, things seems different than they were when last I left them. I wish I could tend to everything in my life at once, but I’m always getting bogged down into the details of life and let everything get overgrown everywhere else. If that makes no sense, I guess I’m basically feeling like there’s so much in my life that I can’t manage it all. And there’s no allusions or hidden meanings in what I’m typing. I feel like a wimp who can’t lift a heavy box or something.

I strike out with confidence toward something and everything else behind me goes wrong. Why can’t I manage? Why can’t I handle things? Times like these make me feel like such a failure.

……………………………………………………

Talked with Lawrence just now, and he kinda helped me realize some things I wasn’t thinking about. I guess it all kinda ties up everything that going on right now, too. He helped me realize you know what, I’m not “finished” yet. There’s still a lot of time between right now and… well, whenever, I guess. At least there’s a year between me and being out on my own, there’s a day between me and tomorrow and even one hour can change my entire life.

Everywhere I’ve turned lately I’ve heard one phrase OVER AND OVER. “You should just take things a day at a time… you don’t know what tomorrow’s gonna bring.” There’s a lot of days ahead, and I’m ready for them. I feel confident in knowing I’m not finished yet and I think bad things will get better.

It’s just those times when I get myself into a something with no easy way out, and I didn’t think twice about it before. Then I got to make a big decision that’s just gonna screw a lot of things up and hurt people. It’s so bittersweet when you have to take a hard perspective toward something you want so bad and have to make changes. It’s so hard to wait on life sometimes.

I still feel very confident in my future… and I can’t WAIT for what it will hold. All the days ahead will just be spent in waiting. But waiting on things you trust is a lesser battle.

"Whom shall I blame for this sweet and heavy trouble? For every stupid struggle, I don't know. I could buy you a drink. I could tell you all about it. I could tell you why I doubted and why I still believe." - Pedro the Lion.

got it.

2006-05-26T09:29:00.000-05:00

Well everyone, I finally got my laptop today. Or, well actually it was more like yesterday cause it’s one in the morning and I haven’t been able to sleep yet. So far, this computer is more than I imagined it would be. I like it more than I thought I would, too. I won’t get into too much technical detail, because I don’t want to bore you all, but allow me to explain why it’s more than I had imagined.

It’s gonna take some getting used to being able to multitask so well on this machine. On my old computer, there was like NO SUCH THING as multitasking. On this computer, I can run like three or four processes at a time, really. I can be listening o music with Windows Media Player, using the internet and watching streaming video all while I am copying files from a CD or DVD to my computer now. It’s too hot to handle!

The coolest thing that I think I’ve discovered yet it that it’s REALLY QUIET. For instance, I’m sitting here typing and using the battery. It’s completely silent. It’s weird FOR ME I guess cause I’ve always had that old laptop that always makes noise whenever and whatever you’re doing. Oh yeah, and speaking of battery. I just unplugged it to lay in bed and type and it says I have 5 hours 15 minutes left of battery. If you don’t know anything about batteries, most laptops will last you 2 and one half hours. But I have the miracle machine.

It’s lookin like work’s gonna undergo some big changes. Summer’s coming and Rick says everything gets a whole lot harder during summer, so I’m gonna be working HARD in the next few weeks. However, he DID say that I’d prolly get less hours and more days off because his staff is over packed and until they let some people go, or someone else quits, ii’m gonna lose time. It’s doesn’t bother me too much, though. At least I have this thing ordered and in my hands already.

The nest three things I’m going for (as in “buying this summer”) will be 1.) a digital camcorder 2.) a digital camera with wide-angle/telephoto/macro lenses, and 3.) a car, of course. My dad’s looking at getting me one of those moped/mini-bike things. He wants to sell his motorcycle to get me one so I can get a license and transport myself to work. It sounds pretty cool. I’m still getting a car, but heck this’ll save a lot on gas and it’ll prolly be a heck of a lot of fun.

Well, now my eyes are finally starting to get tired. I’ll see you all around. Love you all.

another wednesday.

2006-05-24T17:15:00.000-05:00

Well, today was a good day at work. I made about 15 bucks in tips, which constitutes a good day. Everyone at work has been calling me “Isaac”, and it’s been getting kind of annoying. I’m not my brother in almost any way. They say it’s because me voice sound like his… and everyone’s ALWAYS been able to tell my voice apart from Isaac’s. Maybe they’re just giving me a hard time. They say he got way too familiar with the girls there while he was working, but I keep telling them I’m different than he was.

My laptop is supposed to be coming in tomorrow, and mom says FedEx usually comes by our house in the morning, so I guess I’ll find out before work. That would be SO COOL if I was to get it before work. SO COOL. But the tracking page on the internet says that it last left NEW JERSEY on Saturday, so we’re thinking, “Well where did the freakin thing GO?”. When I get it, I’m gonna find some way to complain, they should have better service for impatient/worrying people.

Josh came by work today with Min, so I finally got to meet the girl. She seemed… nice… I guess. I mean, it was like all out of the blue and everything, they just kind pulled up, so I really didn’t get to see what she was like or anything. I didn’t get to see them interact, and I guess that’s probably what I was so curious about. I sensed a slightly different air in Josh, though. But it was nothing big… for all I know, I probably act different somehow when I’m with a girl I like.

Well, I don’t have much to write about today… my mind tends to go blank when I sit down sometimes. All I know is I better get my laptop before Saturday, because I have no work and I want to be able to play around with my new toy all day, you know.

See yall around.

a good name limits me.

2006-05-22T18:14:00.000-05:00

While some people are struggling under a bad name, I think I may equally struggle under high expectations, and from some a good name. It just struck me. To a lot of people, I am “the good kid”. I think it’s mostly adults in the church that I work around. I think having too good of a name is a struggle too. It gets annoying.

I guess it’s probably because I was with Tom Murphy and some of his friends all afternoon after I left the lake yesterday. I can’t tell you how often those people praise me. Sure, they like to lift people up, but when they tell me “you’re more mature than the other kids”, I don’t like it. I used to like it A LOT, but I can’t stand it anymore. What I tell them when they say that is, “the only big difference between me and them is that I have a job, which has opened me to more discipline than just my parents now.”

I am limited as well, but it’s by having a good name. So many adults expect so much from me, that I always get sad looks when I don’t live up to what they wish I would. It doesn’t run my life, though. I really want to live realistically and be able to explain to these people that I am an average kid who’s gonna mess up. I think the only reason so many adults around the church like me anyways is because they’re probably patronized about me asking about their college and their careers.

On lighter, more interesting notes, yesterday was a blast. It wasn’t like one of those “blasts” where I had so much fun I didn’t know what to do with, but it was a brilliant cap to my weekend and my luscious “five days off work”. It was like having spring break, just pertaining to work. I got to spend some awesome time at the lake swimming, sitting around, eating, playing volleyball, and sword-fighting little kids on the dock with those foam noodle things. It was wonderfully lighthearted, and I feel content and complete with everything that happened yesterday.

Tonight I am meeting with Josh. I don’t know if Chris will be able to come along because he went into McDonald’s for orientation earlier. I’m so proud he got the job, maybe he and I will be able to influence everyone else to get a job. Josh is trying for one. Jenny wants to work at Sonic. I heard through the grapevine that the Woods are gonna try to get Jeremy a job, too. The only bad thing is that we’ll all have conflicting schedules this summer if everyone gets a job. But the good thing is that we’ll all be able to sit down and tell “job stories” when we all finally DO get to get together.

Overall, I’m not sunburned very badly from the lake yesterday, and what is sunburned is turning tan already. People were making fun of me at work today cause of the sunburn. They would say something about me, then go “don’t turn red Noah!” I love the kids I work with, I’m glad they have a sense of humor. There’s nothing worse than working with a bunch of crabs. Danika came in as I left. She looks like a good worker, I think, but you know everyone wants to LOOK like a good worker on their first day.

Well, I’ve made it to my page limit for today. I’ll probably write some more tomorrow as I will probably have some stuff to talk about from our meeting tonight, as usual. See you all around. Love you all.

new song.

2006-05-18T20:31:00.000-05:00

in daytime chills. it just came into my head, so i had to make it--immediately.

bought it.

2006-05-18T17:03:00.000-05:00

did it. it's mine now. i can't wait until it comes in. it's shipping from new york, so it'll be about a week from now, could take up to ten days to ship. but i swear if ANYTHING happens, i'm gonna go haywire... i may never recover. :P

gettin better.

2006-05-18T11:42:00.000-05:00

Well, I’m definitely feeling better today. I decided I’m still not ready for work yet, though, so I didn’t have to go in. One of the things that sucked worst about being sick yesterday is that THAT was pay day. I was pretty depressed. But I think the worst thing was not getting to see everyone last night. I miss my friends easily.

I had a strange experience last night at 3. I woke up and felt like 110 percent better, but EVERYTHING was stiff. My neck was stiff, my back was stiff, my legs and feet were REAL stiff. It was weird. I had to pull my knees to my chest with my arms so I could stretch them out enough to walk. I felt GREAT, though. So since I slept nearly all day yesterday after my stomach calmed down, I wasn’t very tired anymore when I woke up. So I got up and got some jello and went back to sleep about two hours later.

I’m hoping to go by and pick up my check today. I asked Rick if I could still go get it though I wasn’t working and he said yeah. I WANT TO GET THAT FREAKIN LAPTOP!

Doesn’t look like there’s any way I’m getting to the Ft. Clark thing tomorrow. Everyone seems to forget about Noah when they go do something fun… well accept the ones I can’t hang out with… Oh well, I’ll go see Josh after work or something. Least I’ll still see everyone at Bible Study. The cool thing is that I’m going to the lake Sunday. I specifically asked for Sunday off so I could go, and my dad’s gonna take us. That’s gonna be a fun day. First day off since April 15th.

I’m gonna write more later, prolly when I get my laptop ordered. Prolly tonight or so.

sick as a dog.

2006-05-17T21:06:00.000-05:00

Hey everyone. Last night was one of the worst experiences of my life. I probably threw up every thirty minutes for 12 hours straight. I’m feeling a little bit better since noon. Hope to see you all Friday, cause I know I’ll be better by then. Love you all.

sb email 152.

2006-05-16T19:07:00.000-05:00

oh. my. gosh.

the new strongbad email is THE MOST HILARIOUS ONE I'VE SEEN IN LIKE A YEAR.

watch it now.

finishing touches to getting a dell.

2006-05-16T18:49:00.000-05:00

Today was great. I think I probably feel great all over, too. Even in my toes. I made a stack of bills in tips and added it to the ever-piling-up collection for my Dell. I can say for sure, now *kicks back with crossed ankles rested on desk* that I can buy one tomorrow.

Oh my gosh, that feels so good to say. I’ll finally have a computer of my own. But that’s not the only thing that feels great. What feels greater is that I finished something I’ve started (which is a step in the right direction if I ever wanna be a man). But even more than that, this will be the most expensive thing I’ve EVER bought in all my life. Wow. So, I feel pretty happy now. Just wait til I actually have it in my hands.

So, Sonic was RATHER busy at lunch today. Seriously, the “rush hour” was like a “rush TWO hours-and-a-half”. I was there at 11 and we didn’t chill out until like 1:30 or even almost two. That’s pretty busy folks. On top of all that, we were short a cook and a fountain. So Noah was making drinks, answering the speaker, delivering food, kicking butt, and and takin’ names… well, the last two items are only in fancy, but they sounded good at the end of all those things.

Got another new girl. Twas Danika. Didn’t expect her to apply. So she applied and got hired. It was kinda scary, though, cuz Rick took her out there and talked to her for like and HOUR, and we’re all standing around inside going, “He’s giving her the ‘Sorry, I’m sure we could use you in the future, but we’re not hiring’ talk”. But sure enough, she got hired. I’ve never known her too well, so I don’t know what to expect, but I think Rick’s gonna have ME train her… so I’m all nervous. I’ve never trained, and I’ve only worked there a month and a half.

Among other things, last night was rather accomplishing. Me, Josh, and Nathan hung out and talked about things. Seems like people have been approaching me with wishes of change in the youth group for weeks now, and I don’t know what to make of it. Obviously, there’s a sense of pride in most of them, but ultimately, one can never deny that there’s always room for improvement in the church whether it be in the worship service or the youth group. I don’t feel like I have a place in approaching anyone, so I’m not going to worry about any of it.

And last of all, I’m overall just glad that I’m not sick yet. I’ve been taking every precaution to not get sick, and it’s been since Friday that the first of my family had it, and I’ve lasted this far. I think I might have a chance to get around this. This is the sickness everyone dreads. I think I would rather break a bone than throw up. So, it’s looking like I’ll get to be at AWANA tomorrow night, happy and healthy, so I can help Mr. Ochello with awards.

So, I’ve reached a page-length in Microsoft Word, and my stomach calls for dinner. I’m finishing up right here. Yall have a good day and night.

red alert.

2006-05-15T10:41:00.000-05:00

the family's gettin sick. i haven't caught it yet, so i don't know if i'll see anyone until friday or sunday. right now i'm heading to work. pray for our comfort, this is the sickness everyone dreads.

Not much to blog about.

2006-05-13T10:58:00.000-05:00

Noah would definitely update his blog more often if Noah had something to write about. Like I’ve stated before, this blog is meant to be more about what I’m learning than what I’m doing because like all blogs are about what people do at school, or who’s driving ‘em nuts. But, I guess maybe I could write more about my days, but I probably couldn’t write a LOT.

I’ve been having a good week at work this week, mainly in the light of how much money I’ve made. I can’t really say that I enjoy work much or that I’m dying to go everyday. I’m not tired of it, but I would just rather relax and hang out with friends and not say anything and just listen to—nothing. That prolly made no sense. It’s so loud at sonic I guess.

I’ve been thinking about colleges lately. As I know I’m going to South West in town next semester, I really have no plans beyond that. All I know is I want to be a whole lot closer than Isaac is to my friends and family you know, people I love. So, I’ve been looking at San Antonio and other closer towns. I’m prolly gonna get on College Board today and run a search for colleges within 150 miles of Del Rio and look at all of them.

…but I have to go to work.

Well, I got a call from Nathan, so I’m just gonna post what I’ve got here.

weekend edition (i need to start numbering these).

2006-05-08T09:48:00.000-05:00

How was my weekend? Well, Friday was transforming, Saturday was utterly boring, and Sunday (today) was refreshing.

I have so much to say I can’t say anything it seems. I know now that people read my entries, so it’s like playing music while people are watching you. You’re so nervous you know you’ll mess up or things won’t sound right, you know? Well, I guess it’s not exactly like that, cause I just don’t know how I can type everything all out. Let’s start with Friday I guess.

Had a bad morning… I fell, basically. I’ve gotten into the “habit” of work, it’s been very ritual inside me since I’ve got the job. I guess I just may have applied it incorrectly to my life. Anyhow, so I go to work and get in “work mode” and I forgot about how I fell and it completely left my mind—I was making more money, that’s all I guess I was thinking about. By the way, this story has a good ending; as you can tell, things hit me Friday.

The bad thing about the state of mind I’ve gotten into while working is that I’m in practically NO state of mind. It’s like I’ll work fours a day not being Noah or anything that reflects Noah. I’m not saying I’m being someone I’m not, I’m saying I’m practically a working ROBOT—not thinking (or praying) about things that are going on. It’s like time I never had. I guess I’ve gotten a little too obsessed over “just making money, period dot”.

So, Friday I went to work and “check out of life” I guess. Then my mom picks me up at 4:30, and asks me about my day. She asked me if I fell. God told her.

Right then and there it all hit me. You can allow your mind to wander at the nature of my sin. Yeah, lots of guilt is attached to failure in that area—especially for me as I am trying to become a man someday. I sit there (as if out of my body) and I say to myself. Well, there you go Noah, taking a step BACKWARDS towards being a man someday—there you go Noah, taking a step BACKWARDS into a healthy marriage someday. When I am not thinking about the Spirit, of course, it’ll go in one ear and right out the other—but not on Friday. Things just had to stop—I figured that out.

My mom stopped at the store after we’d talked about it and she suggested I pray and read. Well, she went in and I started praying. God did not hesitate to speak to me, as he never hesitates—ever. God showed me that I was going about my entire journey to be a man the wrong way. He identified my actions. Sure, they were good things like encouraging people, being generous, disciplining certain desires of mine—that stuff. But he showed me that I was being selfish; I wanted something in return.

He simply said to me, “to be a man someday, you must give of everything you have and keep nothing for yourself, you must let people beat you up and not fight back, and you must spend your life living for others.”

A few days ago I wrote about wanting simplicity, not theology, not psychology. This was a pretty plain and simple statement. It’s what I needed, too. It was like no questions needed to be asked. He said everything at once.

Saturday was just immeasurably boring. We won’t even go into detail because there, seriously, was nothing cool about Saturday.

Today was a good day because it was just good enough that it wasn’t bad, and just mild enough that it was too boring. Figuratively, it was like a cool spring morning… except all day. It was like I was riding some peaceful river or something… though that sounded really gay. It was a very peaceful and refreshing day today.

Overall, I am very excited about things to come. I feel a sense of secure spiritually and emotionally, though I am feeling an alertness against temptation. I need to read some tonight to keep my head on straight. And I have a lot of thinking to do tonight.

Until my nest entry.

psychology, theology, i need simplicity.

2006-05-05T11:03:00.000-05:00

Oh my gosh I probably have THE MOST perfect headache right now, I have no clue why I’m blogging.

Things have been looking up lately, though I’ve kinda been neglecting reading and praying a lot recently. I think it mostly started about a month ago when I met with a counselor-friend of mine last. I guess we’re not meeting much anymore since I’m working and he never calls. But anyway, he got me really confused this last time around.

He was mostly talking about “identifying my fears and worries and stuff that opens doors for temptation” and everything, and it made sense, but it just seemed all inconsistent with things he’s said before. Like he’s told me it’s not about “staying focused or not staying focused, because we have freedom from sin—we just have to have the revelation of it” or something like that… it’s real confusing.

I’ll go and see him and he’ll LOAD MY HEAD with so much psychological and theological stuff that it just seems like total crap when I get home. I HATE psychology, I think it’s wrong. I think we don’t know humans as well as God does and we never will be able to. It’s just that I’m tired of hearing “well, for most people temptation starts with a fear of ‘such and such’ and on and on”. It’s kinda like that one part in The Kid (starring Bruce Willis) when he keeps telling Amy “You know what the number one killer of middle-aged women is?” and she finally just tells him “I don’t care.” THAT is how I feel about a mix of psychology and theology.

I need to sit down with David Chalk sometime and talk about all this stuff. He’s so NOT psychological about it. Whenever I have said anything to him, two things always happen. First, he gets SO INTERESTED in what you’ve said that you can’t walk away for probably thirty minutes to an hour, and secondly he always looks at things simply and there’s always something simple he’ll tell you that you could try or something simple you didn’t realize.

I guess I just don’t like people looking at me like I’m “another person needing counsel”, but rather as “a person who is missing a small point somewhere down the line that mixed up everything”… I don’t know how to explain it right. Sitting with a “counselor” and sitting with a “pastor”, a “shepherd” is TWO VERY DIFFERENT things. I just hate psychology. It doesn’t seem to give me room to be an individual, just a grouped case.

Anyhow, I was saying that things are looking up. I guess it’s been things are happening again and I’m beginning to see a little bit of my future unfold and opportunities are springing up and I’m feeling very accomplished with my job.

In my whole “journey toward becoming a responsible (among other things) man for Christ and my future family”, finished a job I’ve started is one of those things I’m working on. When I started the whole “journey” idea, I guess I decided I’d put myself through a lot of self-discipline… and getting a job and working hard is one of those things.

Now, don’t get me wrong—Sonic is NOT THAT HARD of work. Doing the hours I do on the weekends is. The fact that I am sacrificing my free time, saving my money, and working as many hours as he can give me (as I requested), is what I am trusting on developing a sense of money value as well as work ethic, responsibility, and all around it’s a fight against laziness.

I’ve hard adults tell me they are proud, and that’s cool I guess. Months ago, I would have taken that and held it high, but now when they tell me that I just wish that they wouldn’t only tell me that because I have a job. I wish adults would tell kids around them that they’re proud of other things besides work. I’ve also had kids tell me they wish they were as hard-working as me, and I haven’t been able to say much besides “once you get used to working, it grows on you.”

Surprisingly, the workplace has changed my outlook on myself (as far as pride goes) too. I have a better sense on teamwork and healthy dependency, I’ve learned to trust people, and I’ve learned to be generous and help people out—forming good relations with the people I work with. They know me as someone who’ll buy them lunch if they need it, or someone who will say sorry if they messed up.

Wow, I guess I haven’t realize that I’ve changed… I hope this’ll be a good summer.

rejuvinated some.

2006-05-01T22:12:00.000-05:00

Chris, Josh, and I had an interesting meeting tonight. We really didn’t get to cover much because we ended up first off at Memo’s downtown with a flat tire on Josh’s van and spent an hour fixing it… ask me later, I’ll tell you about it. But we ended up sitting down with donuts at River City and talking for less than an hour.

Looks like we’re going to start a regular meeting like we all planned, and we’re each going to invite someone. We wanna do something fun and constructive, kinda like talks we had at the Van Hook’s with Michelle when Matt would be gone at TDY and stuff. We call it a “discussion group”.

All three of us kinda wanna be able to get something out of it, too, so it’s not necessarily gonna be “hang out time”—more like constructive hang out time. I’m excited.

/// /// ///

Sunday’s message was stimulating. The “call to strive toward maturity—becoming a real man in the eyes of Christ” was reiterated into my system, like CPR. Can’t say I’ve completely got up and am running full speed again, but I was encouraged. Much less moping around was done on Sunday and today, so I have noticed.

Though my entry is short, I felt I’d leave a bit of feedback. I have gotten the picture that more people read this than I thought, so I figured I’d leave something small at least.

If you read this, comment.

april update.

2006-04-27T22:01:00.000-05:00

Well I guess it’s been about a week since I’ve blogged last. I really haven’t put much about what’s going on outside my head lately for those of you who know me but don’t see me everyday. So, this will be another one of those “update posts”.

I am now employed at Sonic, the same one Isaac worked at before me. And, believe me, I’ve got the job because of him. I am pretty much known exclusively as “Isaac's brother”. It really doesn’t bother me, though. I am making tons of money and I’m gonna do whatever it takes to get me a laptop and a car before school next semester.

Yes folks, it looks like I’m heading to college. Course, it’s not really gonna be that big of a deal this first year cause I’m staying here in town to do my basics, but that’ll still require me to have a car and a computer… which is why I’m working. I am probably going to apply to Texas A&M and some private colleges pretty soon.

I’ve decided on getting a laptop first this summer for a few reasons. One, because I just want one so darn bad. Two, because I won’t be driving until August legally, so I might as well wait to get a car. And three is because I want to try to pick up more webpage jobs this summer and an easy way I can do that is to have a “portable office”—a package deal I can show off to any perspective client. And besides, I know I’ll have plenty of those “sitting-around-bored days” this summer and I want a system that’ll run Halo besides Xbox.

That’s mostly all that’s going on… plus I’m tired so I’ll probably write more tomorrow about other things.

wake up from your sleep.

2006-04-19T21:42:00.000-05:00

Just read Ephesians 5, which is aptly titled “wake up from your sleep” in my Bible. I’ve noticed that falling into temptation is just like sleep—conscious at first, but subconscious as it slowly takes you over. You may lie down in bed to “rest”, knowing fully well that sleep may overtake you—or, giving it “crawl space” to do so. All it needs is a little push to get it swinging freely, a little spark to get a forest fire. As soon as it overtakes you, full understanding of what’s going on, what things are being let fly, is no longer present and compromise after compromise cuts you in half, then into quarters, then eighths. I keep applying Jesus Christ Hand Lotion—I did it today.

who i am hates who i've been.

2006-04-12T13:44:00.000-05:00

I’ve got a handle on why I’ve been so depressed lately. I’ve been trying to claim Christ and make my own decisions at the same time. Now, I’m not talking about the insignificant decisions like, “I will breathe now”—I’m talking about the life decisions like “I will go to college next year”… will I? That’s when I start getting stressed, worried, or depressed about things.

Just read in Romans 4:27-28 “What we’ve figured out is this: God does not respond to what we do; we respond to what God does. We’ve finally figured it out. Our lives get in step with God and all others by letting him set the pace, not by proudly or anxiously trying to run the parade.”

I bolded proudly because I have a pride problem, but I also bolded “anxiously trying” because that’s exactly how it’s been. I’ve been so anxious for things lately. I’ve been anxious to grow up and be a real man and live for Christ, but I’ve been trying to do it my way. But also “trying” is exactly what’s it’s been as well. “Trying” means you can’t really do it, and I wish I’d paid more attention to that lately.

I’ve done plenty of sitting in bed hating myself in my life, and I remember the words coming out of my mouth to another person, “I’ve figured out that when I start pulling my own strings to run my life, things don’t work out and I find myself in bed, sick, tired, and worried.” How often I never even listen to my own words.

I remember yet another time saying to a friend, “Are you not content with what God has already given you? Stop trying to add things to your life, you don’t even need them!” I thank the Lord for those words for I’m sure they were from Him to those people, but I also thank the Lord that I can sit back now and listen to what I’ve said and compare it to who I’ve been—and weep sometimes.

I prayed desperately last night because I was at the point of tears with everything that’s been on my hands. Even through the prayer I guess I didn’t understand until today I was/am “trying to run the parade” myself. It’s funny how God doesn’t answer you immediately sometimes so that you can learn later and look back on things, making it more emphasized.

grace-granted holiness-rooted tree grafts

2006-04-07T14:08:00.000-05:00

I wanted to comment on this passage here that I found very interesting today. I also want to say how awesome it is that everything in the Bible relates to each other, and how whenever I pick up the Bible, I can’t find something that doesn’t immediately teach me a lesson in any given day. I just wish I remembered this more often, because though I may be quick to pick up recommended Christian books, I often forget to pick up the Book that all wisdom comes from.

This passage is from the Message reading Bible by Eugene Peterson. It made a lot of sense to me in my battle against pride over other Christians who aren’t on the road. My comments will be in brackets. Romans 11:16-24

Behind and underneath all this there is a holy, God-planted, God-tended root. If the primary root of the tree is holy, there’s bound to be some holy fruit. Some of the tree’s branches were pruned and you wild olive shoots were grafted in [If you didn’t read the context around this passage, he’s talking to the non-Jews]. Yet the fact that you are now fed by that rich and holy root gives you no cause to crow over the pruned branches [He’s just saying the “newcomers” are no higher than the Jews who’d fallen away]. Remember, you aren’t feeding the root; the root is feeding you [get your pride out of your mind!].

It’s certainly possible to say, “Other branches were pruned so that I could be grafted in!” Well and good. But they were pruned because they were deadwood, no longer connected by belief and commitment to the root [sure, those who have fallen away may not be part of the plan right now…]. The only reason you’re on the tree is because your graft “took” when you believed, and because you’re connected to that belief-nurturing root [when we surrender, we have to give up our lives. He’s giving the ones whose grafts took a pat on the back here, but then he goes on…]. So don’t get cocky and strut your branch [Eph 2:8-9 – saved by GRACE, no one can BOAST]. Be humbly mindful of the root that keeps you lithe and green.

[Remember, this is the “holy root” from God. We have no holiness in us. We may think we can be holy, but holiness is not defined by good actions, it’s defined by a good heart. Who changes our hearts? Not us! We can’t do that ourselves. I’ve tried before—sure I could do some pretty nice things for a while, but not coming out of a moldy heart.

This whole picture is us as Christians grafted into God’s plan for us to shine His light throughout the world. The “root” is the Spirit in us. This root keeps us “lithe and green”—not from ourselves, not by any nice thing we might do. No one can boast about themselves. But, boast about Christ, He is wonderful!]

If God didn’t think twice about taking pruning shears to the natural branches, why would he hesitate over you? He wouldn’t give it a second thought [don’t let pride take you over like sin took over the “deadwood branches”]. Make sure you stay alert to these qualities of gentle kindness and ruthless severity that exist side by side in God—ruthless with the deadwood [Matthew talks about going to a friend you see falling away. You’ve heard the process—if he doesn’t listen, take a brother, if he still doesn’t, you should take him before the church, etc.—when this says “ruthless”, I really think he means these kinds of actions. These “deadwood branches” used to be in the tree, so they’ve seen the Light and they know better.] gentle with the grafted shoot. But don’t presume on this gentleness. The moment you become deadwood, you’re out of there.

And don’t get to feeling superior to those pruned branches down on the ground [don’t look at other believers who aren’t on the road and get proud about you’re your position]. If they don’t persist in remaining deadwood, they could very well get grafted back in [you could be workin’ next to ‘em next Sunday]. God can do that. He can perform miracle grafts. Why, if he could graft you—branches cut from a tree out in the wild [wow, does that put us in our place or WHAT?]—into an orchard tree, he certainly isn’t going to have any trouble grafting branches back into the tree they grew from in the first place. Just be glad you’re in the tree [and thank Christ with everything in you], and hope for the best for the others [teaching others, not telling others].

…so what do you think? Puts us in our places, huh? Well it does to me. So, in essence, we are “grace-granted holy-rooted tree grafts”. Does any of that sound like we did anything on our own? I have a bit of trouble sometimes—I get prideful when I find myself walking on the road again and I see others who aren’t. There’s people who might try to explain it to me logically, and it’ll stick for a little while and I’ll be fine, but I guess the Bible’s always gonna be the one who spells it all ultimately out for me.

he is the deliverer.

2006-04-04T18:18:00.000-05:00

I’ve begun to realize that I’ve used Jesus as a lotion to make my callused hands soft, scissors to cut my wandering hair, or cologne to override any odor. I’ve claimed him as a mask to shut out others or an excuse to jump in forbidden waters. I’ve been pushing limits, skewing lines, and lurking at my neighbors’ doors to catch some luring scents and captivating images. It’s awfully simple—I sought my own gain, self-advancing to the end, using everyone and everything to get.

The greatest irony of it all is grace, which teaches me a lesson with the downside of every step I’m taking away from Christ. Grace abounds in my darkest times, and I have ignored it often. In times of deception and shame, I am driven farther and farther from Christ, as if running would justify my guilty feelings. Yet I smile to a waving passerby, people at church, or my mom.

A few peaceful days will show me just how much Jesus reward those who follow him—step by step. But also, they show me how wildly I lived, like a drinking cowboy—only in spirit. But in the end how much worse would I be if I was a partying cowboy than a pure oxymoron claiming Christ as my “Wonderful Savior”?

“Oh God, You are my God. And I will ever praise you! I will seek You in the morning, and I will learn to walk in Your ways. And step by step You’ll lead me, and I will follow You all of my days.” My heart should echo these words. If I step toward the goal, I should continue toward that goal, and not quit after the first fall—or the second. And I should seek Him every day.

He is the deliverer.

what boredom brings

2006-03-21T19:56:00.000-06:00

New video here. Sometimes I get crazy when I'm real bored.

havin some fun.

2006-03-18T14:08:00.000-06:00

Well this has been the longest pause between blogs in a few weeks now. But I’ll prolly have more and more to right about now that I’ve been able to collect it all over the past few days.

Spring break has really been a good opportunity to exercise my recently-developed “fun loving” side that I just cant seem to escape from anymore. Seems like some people have been taking it as quite a change, but I haven’t really felt too changed inside. I think I really am just a fun-loving guy, I just let things get in the way oftentimes and I don’t emerge and love fun again for months and months.

Haha, like I was saying, I’ve been getting some weird comments from people like “wow, you’re in a weird mood today” and stuff like that. Like I said in a previous blog, I am ready to open up to people again, and I think exercising my inside feelings when I’m around friends is the best way to start. Those feelings just tend to be really “joyful” right now I guess.

You know, with planning my future on my hands right now and me sitting here staring at it, I’m feeling more and more scared inside. Not ‘scared’ as in “terrified” or anything, but I’m not ready to go off and get a job and not really be a kid any longer. I’m gonna have to start stacking responsibilities on my back you know? I think it’s a desperateness to be a kid AS LONG AS I POSSIBLY CAN that’s making me so “fun-loving”. And I really don’t know why my attitude is jazzing me so much beside this—having fun just mean something different to me than it used to, and I don’t want it to go away.

I remember how I used to have fun at school and everything. There were some days that I would just feel really free and I’d ask and do random things that came to my mind because freedom felt so overwhelmingly good. Those days didn’t come too often, but I remember when they did those were some of the best days I had hanging out with Jenny in class and everything.

I know people like my fun-loving side a lot, and I don’t blame them. I guess I’ve really realized that I act a lot like a kid in one of my stories who’s always grim about everything that people tell him, he hangs out alone, and he is never happy.

Well I hope this entry may find you all well. I look forward to enjoying your company.

improvements.

2006-03-13T20:40:00.000-06:00

I had Chris Wood over today and we had a good talk. Though I don’t like to talk about people specifically in my blogs, I feel like recording that I like how he’s changed since I left Bible Study. Of course, I really haven’t hung out with many of those kids since I left the Study and since I left school, so I don’t ever know anything that’s going on in the inside of ‘the group’ (aptly named). But most of the things Chris was telling me about (including that of himself) really surprised me in a positive way.

I really thought (as I left) that the situation would only grow worse between everyone and within everything, but I was proven wrong by what he told me. Things really changed since I’ve gone. One major change that I was able to pick up on on my own is that Becca sure does talk a whole lot more… but I’m glad things have changed with everyone. Not to mention that while visiting the Van Hooks Saturday, Caden and I hung out in his room and HE’S changed tremendously.

As I have plans to start to open up more to people again, I am beginning to think more and more right now that NOW is a perfect time to do so. I NEVER want to go back the way I was, but I want to invite people back in.

Though this blog may be confusing, you will all understand what I’m trying to say in time anyways. I’m not in the most amazing writing mood right now, so I’m not all full of colorful analogies or brilliant explanations. Just stay tuned.

capping the weekend and my absence

2006-03-13T20:31:00.000-06:00

Wow. It’s been a few days since I’ve been able to sit down and blog some. I’ll throw a “sorry” out to all you who missed me. I probably missed you too, but I’m sure I’ve at least seen most of you in the past few days as I have been out and about (rather unusually) lately.

So, what have I done so far with my spring break? Well, Allison got here Friday night—Saturday morning I mean. It was like two o clock when he finally rolled in and he and I stayed up talking until like four Friday night catching up on everything. Really seemed like he dislikes school, so the whole goal of his trip down here was to get his mind off of it.

When we woke up Saturday morning we hit the streets to go and say “hi” to everyone, which we didn’t get to accomplish all in one day. We first went to see the Van Hooks, then we saw a few other people, but not much really ended up happening on Saturday. We ended up at Josh’s house for most of the afternoon and into the early evening hanging out on the computer playing with Google Earth (for HOURS!), it got kinda boring, so we went out for ice cream at Dairy Queen.

Sunday was interesting because we got up and went to Allison’s old house to shower and there was no water OR power, so he goes to ask his neighbors if he could shower there and they talk his head off and it took him like almost 45 minutes to get in and out of there, so we ended up late for church Sunday morning. After church, we all went out to lunch at Wendy’s, which was probably the highlight of this past weekend because I love hanging out with everyone. Well not everyone was there, but it was just about everyone.

After lunch we went home to take a nap around 2 and I slept for about an hour and Allison slept till 5:30. He sleeps so much it’s practically unhealthy. I thought I slept a lot until he came down! But anyhow, we decided to go see 16 Blocks and invited some people and NOBODY could come, so we called Josh and he ended up going, which was cool. But 16 Blocks was such a good movie, I was really surprised. After that, Allison and I went to Jack in the Box and talked for like TWO HOURS, which was probably the best conversation we had all weekend.

I gather that he had a boring weekend, though, cause he left out this morning right after he woke up. Overall, it was a pretty good weekend. I think I went more places and spent more money than I have in any weekend since the summer, though… but, after all, doesn’t that make it more fun?

there is no independence here.

2006-03-08T16:22:00.000-06:00

Wow, I’m bored enough that I am gonna sit down and blog about anything that comes to mind. Yeah, I don’t blog when I’m bored. In fact, I’m usually not bored sitting on the computer. I guess I’m usually working on some project that I think is so ground-breaking that I will never become bored again… wrong. Oh well, let’s see what we can dig up from my brain.

Spring break is looking pretty promising. I can’t wait… it all starts Friday night. Me and Josh prolly gonna hang Saturday or something… well, we’ll prolly hang ALL WEEK. I still need to meet his girlfriend, though (I know you’re reading this Josh, take a hint). Man, I am determined to have the best spring break EVER next week. I will most definitely go swimming, airsofting, and maybe even movie-ing at least once next week. Even if I have to spend all my money next week, I WILL have the best spring break EVER.

So as for right now, I’ve been sitting around doing not much most of the week. Monday after school I spend like SIX HOURS completely redesigning my webpage (take a look sometime). I’m really impressed with the outcome, too. Yesterday I did nothing—again, except I added a few things to my webpage… so yeah, it’s mostly been “time-wasting week” for me.

///

Remember my blog about God being inescapable? Well, I still wasn’t doing well until this morning when I [finally] sat down to read something in the Bible. I guess I tend to learn the same lessons over and over—can’t be living right if I’m not reading scripture. I don’t know how I ever get myself convinced otherwise. It’s really depressing.

You know what’s even more depressing? Sinning when you KNOW God’s watching you. Yes, yes, God’s ALWAYS watching and we know that. But it’s like when you’re gonna sin and you think something like “Well, this is gonna surrender ground to the enemy”, and you sin anyways. It’s like going “OK, what the heck” and pulling the trigger on a gun pointed at your brain.

OK, well such has been the case once with me this week, and I guess it’s kinda haunting me and everything. Well, when I sat down this morning to read, I decided I’d open up to Romans, recalling the verse that says something along the lines of “So shall we sin so that grace may abound? By no means!” Well, I read Romans 1, 2, and 3 (BY THE GRACE OF GOD!). Set me pretty much straight. It was like someone chewing me out for slacking off.

You know, it’s when you sit back and say to yourself “I’m OK now, I’ll make it on my own” that you know you’re falling back and YOU’RE WRONG. I guess I keep having to learn over and over that I can’t do anything without Christ, so I might as well give up.

too many visits

2006-03-07T18:03:00.000-06:00

Well, I was on the computer today from three this afternoon until ten tonight completely redoing my webpage. I don’t really know what drove me to. I guess I just wanted a new design, the idea came to me all of a sudden. Anyhow, after spending most of today on it, I’m pretty pleased with the outcome. I hope it may open a few corporate eyes, cause I’m gonna start looking for more website jobs.

Enough about that. This weekend was so-so. It kinda felt like one of those weekends that were wasted without your choice. I got to see plenty of friends, though. The Grounds was closed Friday night, and I didn’t get to see anyone there, so I guess maybe that’s why it felt kinda empty the past few days. You know, I end up seeing ten to twenty more kids a week at the Grounds and all.

But, having Josh over Friday night was fun. I guess I kinda already covered that in the last entry. Saturday night we had dinner with the Pontiff’s (a family from our church) house. I’d never really known them well, so I didn’t know what to expect from our visit. Thinking I’d sit around bored, I made sure to bring my guitar, but they were actually quite inclusive of me, so I enjoyed myself. I may even have some new connections for getting into A&M, too.

Sunday was cool. James was at church. I’ve been seeing a lot of him lately. He seems kinda weird in a way. I don’t know what it is. He completely ignores me half the time, but it’s weird how he does it. It doesn’t hurt my feelings or anything, but IF anything I just find it odd.

I spent Sunday afternoon with Nathan Rogers playing guitar, Halo, walking, and sitting around his house. I didn’t really profit much from that afternoon, though, so I don’t have much to say about it.

I went directly to the Lord’s Supper after leaving Nathan’s, and that was probably one of the two highlights of my weekend. I like meals at church, it’s almost like going out to eat with all my friends at once—which like NEVER happens anymore. However, dinner’s conversation was mostly distasteful, which put a little sour in my sweet.

Towards the end of dinner, I got up and went to find the other half of my friends because I was getting a little agitated. They were mostly just doing their own thing, so I didn’t feel like anything better was going on there and I went back to join the other half at the table.

The night closed with my playing some Iron and Wine and Pedro the Lion on guitar for Chris on the back of Michelle’s truck, and that was about it. I’m hoping nest weekend carries some more fun. I hate having dull weekends because I hate having school and I’m always somehow convinced Friday night through Sunday night will bring some sort of supernatural joy.

Hannah and I are gonna try to do something with Becca and Heather this weekend, which is unusual. I don’t think we’ve ever had them over just for the heck of it before. No clue what we’ll do, but maybe I’ll learn something from them. That’s what I tend to do with visits.

i can run but i can't hide.

2006-03-04T21:50:00.000-06:00

Woe be unto me! I have tried to escape the inescapable—my savior. What I have done is now clear and I understand how feeble it is try to run and hide from Christ… How’s that for sounding like something Jonah may have wrote? Boy O boy do I feel like the guy.

GOD IS INESCAPABLE! Here’s my experience. I get into some kind of secret sin, be it jealousy, anger, lust, or something like this, and whenever I sit down and talk to someone or whenever I sit down to think there’s some kinda scripture hurled at me. Everyone’s faith complements each other. If you’re surrounded (or if you surround yourself) by people of faith you CAN NOT ESCAPE HIM.

Makes me get discouraged about sinning and encouraged to follow Him. All I’m doing is wasting time on myself when He’s right there waiting for me to work for Him, and He’s sitting up there reminding me through anything possible that I am doing wrong. I can’t sin and claim Christ, it’s an oxymoron. It doesn’t fit.

Might as well quit trying to hide sin from God, right? He sees it. It’s almost like He toys with me about it, too. It’s like guilt, but it’s not guilt. Guilt is negative—this is “positive guilt”. It’s like a soft reprimand—a “hey, just cut it out, man. I already know what you’re hiding”. Cause he knows I’m His royalty and I know better. He knows I know he has greater rewards in heaven than anything I may gain on earth—Heck, he TAUGHT ME. He taught me the hard way last weekend.

///

I had a good time having Josh over. We basically goofed around most of last night. We messing around on our computers and stuff then we watched Walk the Line (which I didn’t really enjoy as much the second time). But then sobered up a little and talked after the movie about what’s going on… but, sleep-hungry, we retired after not too long.

But this morning we probably walked three or four miles talking about all kinds of stuff, and that’s what I probably enjoyed the most. We were mostly just catching up because I haven’t seen him in like three weeks and we don’t really have deep conversations on the phone. I made sure he told me all about Min, though.

So I’m still just me. I took a little bit out of the conversation we had this morning and there’s definitely some things I’m gonna start workin toward. I’ve got some plans in mind that may help my situation and that of some others. Yes, it’s undisclosed for now, but it’ll surface if it works out. Right now I’m unsure.

I hope this blog may find you all well.

tryin on all the hats.

2006-03-02T15:19:00.000-06:00

This is a “brainstorm” blog from late last night… it’s all over the place.

I know this is probably expected to be a “highly intelligible” blog and everything, but, heck, I gotta step away from that every once in a while or I’ll burn out. Besides, I failed at “highly intelligible” a long time ago when there was that enormous pause between each blog way back last fall. I guess my mind went back or something. Ok, so what’s my “non-intelligible” topic? Well, I was sitting down and I was wondering,

What would the world of today be like if I never existed?

See? Pretty generic topic, eh? Well, I’ve lately been learning to explore figments of my curiosity—you know, doing things I’ve never done before, saying things I’ve never thought of before, thinking about and exploring things I’ve never really cared about… that kinda stuff.

I sat back for a moment and thought about it. I wonder if anyone would be like DEAD or anything. I mean, I don’t remember saving anyone’s life or anything, but you never know, you know? What if my life like got in the way of some evil menace’s mighty plan to steal all the gold in America or something and if I was never born, America would no longer have any gold and it’d be somewhere in like Venezuela building palaces for Chavez or something. You know I’ve heard so much about the guy, but I’ve got no clue who he is or what he does.

So in another good example of my exploration of curiosity, I was talking with Mara the other day and I just had to ask her if she’d ever been in a watermelon-seed-spitting contest. I have no clue why, but I just HAD to ask her. I’ve always enjoyed them, you know. Well, she steams all up and like gets mad at me for asking her something random. It was kinda depressing.

So I said to her something like, “would you rather sit around with someone who’s gonna talk about TV or their girlfriend or school or some crap like that, or would you rather be with someone who you’re gonna hear something NEW from every once in a while?” And I guess she understood where I was coming from, but she’d never heard of a watermelon-seed-spitting contest before and I wasn’t surprised. I figured she might have seen one on TV or something at least, but I was wrong. I explained the concept and she just reiterated how I was weird.

Isaac used to use the title “TV kids” all the time when he was a senior and had just had enough of all the kids at school. I think I’m starting to understand a little. It’s not that I can’t stand the kids at school or anything, it’s quite the contrary—I MISS THEM TO DEATH! It’s that I can’t stand TV. Seriously, that trip to Houston last weekend probably scarred for life. I can’t sit down and watch ANY MORE CABLE for probably a year.

There’s SO MUCH CRAP on the thing, it’s no wonder kids who sit around all day and watch it ARE the way they are. Makes you cry deep in your soul for them cause you know they’re the kinda kids who have never swam in a real creek or gone on a walk alone just to explore the neighborhood. Seems like they all kinda survive because there’s plenty of them out there to pair up with and talk about who’s dating who on Reality Teen Love Central or something like that. It glorifies self-image.

How’s this for a question… what would the world be like WITHOUT TV today? I guess it’s pretty useful for business and everything, and for news… who knows, those are the only things I ever watch. Does all this “self-image” crap come from things like TV? I know arrogance is always present, but I don’t think TV helps anyone. I know that “style” is largely glorified on TV. I don’t think the punk, goth, and emo scenes would’ve spreaded so easily without MTV and movies and stuff.

Know something weird? I heard “emo music” called “E-M-O rock” tonight. I thought that was crazy. I’d never heard it before, you know. And I knew what it was, but I just had to ask to make sure. WOW, emo has really evolved in the past few years. There’s kids who show me their “emo music” these days and I’m like “What?” where’s emo in this? I was surprised to find out mostly this year that most “emo bands” these days sound all punky and everything. I’m still saying that emo is stuff like Pedro the Lion… bands that play quiet, yet climactic music. And if they scream, they don’t make a big fuss out of it at all, they don’t even record it twice to make sure it sounds hot.

Hahaha, I just discovered that David Bazaan actually screams in the original recording of “Almost There”. I had only heard the Whole EP like once until I downloaded it the other day. It’s SO GOOD. I don’t even know why I’m talking about music, I don’t even really listen to it that much.

I was at the mewithoutYou webpage yesterday. Dude, I had no clue about Aaron Weiss. The guy’s a regular Rich Mullins. His journal entries are crazy. But it was kinda depressing because he has like 20 of them and the other guys have like one or two and they’re all total crap. Aaron Weiss kinda reminds me of myself in that he writes in order to teach others and himself—but mostly to teach himself.

I find that if I journal or make personal notes it helps me figure things out in my life. I guess when I see it in writing, right before my eyes, what’s coming straight out of me (you know), it really hits me hard if it’s something that’s not good. At least most of the time it does. I posted a journal entry a few days back that never hit me after I read it.

You know what I found out? God speaks to me. He literally does. I seriously sat down in bed this morning and had a conversation with God about being lonely. He doesn’t really say much, but he always corrects my thinking. Most of what he says to me can be summed up with “Wow, you’re stupid… you know better than that!” But it’s really cool. I guess I finally really God IS my conscience.

love.

2006-02-28T17:08:00.000-06:00

I was thinking yesterday: wouldn’t it be so weird if God just came down (upon request or something) and told us if we were ever gonna marry, and if so who? Seriously, to me, that’d be like the coolest thing in the world cause I could rest my heart, you know? Either that or I could get working on it if I knew the person already or something.

Cause I know me—I never stop looking. And half the time I’m not doing it on purpose. Sometimes I really hate the way my heart was put together; it just gets in the way of things all the time. I can’t ever live a certain way the right way without something coming up. I’m always falling in love with someone. It’s total crap and I wish I could control it.

I guess that’s probably why I was thinking that yesterday. It gets so bad sometimes that if I sit down and think about someone long enough, *snap of the fingers* I fall in love with them. IT REALLY SUCKS. I hate being all sentimental and everything.

So if God was to come down and tell me “You’re gonna be single your entire life”, it’d be real hard, but I’d be better off than I am now cause I wouldn’t have my heart falling all over place over all these girls. I could be at rest, you know?

You ever gone out with someone you don’t love? It’s like eating Frosted Mini Wheats when you have a cold. You know what you’re eating but you can’t taste it and it’s just like chewing up a bunch of weeds. I can’t believe I’ve ever gone out with someone I didn’t actually know very well at all. But in the end, I can actually say I don’t regret it as much as going out with someone I knew quite well cause it didn’t hurt like at all when it ended, as opposed to it nearly tearing me APART a year ago.

Wow and I have a lot of friends who’ve always got some kinda love going, too. I guess I’m not the only one. But I know not everyone has the problem I do. But it seems like everyone’s got an “other half” right now. It gets kinda lonely sometimes when you sit down with a friend and all they talk about is their “other half”. It’s like either you wish they’d talk about something else, or you really miss the times when you used to be able to talk about YOUR “other half”. Wow, it’s been two years since when I started talking to Melanie for the first time.

Know what, it says it on Jenny’s shoelaces so I think I’ll agree—love sucks, and I’m glad I’m not in love today. I’m hoping this’ll last a little while too, cause I feel like having a good life right now.

state of our union: good.

2006-02-26T16:23:00.000-06:00

No kidding, these past three days have probably taught me more than I have learned in a while, and it was all through conclusions, or realizations, that I came to. It’s definitely no joke when they say the Spirit talks to us, because I know he’s got a seat in my conscience.

It all started this week and the first realization came Friday. Issues I’m not going to discuss (because they aren’t important) were just driving me crazy all week long until Friday night. The point is that I was being driven crazy, not WHAT was driving me crazy. Friday night brought me to sit down and think about my life in one way or another—I think it was probably because Jenny asked me what was going on, and why I was being so quiet.

Well, on thinking about my life I can’t say I had the best and most enjoyable experience—it was quite the contrary. On Friday night I realized how much I really hate what my life results in when I do things on my own. I would regret to say (but will openly admit) that I haven’t done so well in the past week or so (half the reason why I haven’t been blogging as much about spiritual things) and that’s why I was able to look at my life as I live it alone on Friday night.

I was basically fully able to sit down and admit to the people that I talked to that “I hate my life”. But I didn’t understand it until last night. It really slapped me in the face when and I could actually sit down and say “I hate my life”.

Is there a way that we can properly surrender our lives to Christ without hating sin and our sinful tendencies? I think that at least it would be very hard and I can tell you from the way I am feeling right now that it has largely improved my understanding salvation now that I was able to admit to others (having come to the conclusion) that I hate my life.

Life can really suck when we’re doing it on our own, and that’s exactly why I’m better off than I was when I WAS doing it all on my own. At least I was granted the grace to live through it this time and come to this conclusion.

Well, Friday night treated me pretty bad. And that night was worse. I lied in bed all night depressed that I can’t stand my life. But Saturday brought me such joy that I can’t express how much I’m blessed—really.

Yesterday I spent all day out of town with friends watching a track meet. And we didn’t do anything like all day except sit around and enjoy each other. What a compliment to Friday night yesterday was! Saturday taught about how much I may hate my life, but people love me. Though it may have annoyed me a little yesterday I feel so loved right now that everyone wanted me to just be there and hang out with them.

So that’s what we did—all day… just hang out and have fun, and I think that I’ve probably had the best weekend of my life. And seriously, knowing that God gave this all to me one realization of harsh reality coupled with (and complimented by) a realization of a loving reality so that my life can improve makes me love him even more. Today the state of our union is good.

better than i was.

2006-02-23T08:57:00.000-06:00

I had probably the most boring weekend of my entire life. We went to Houston to visit my grandma because she’s lonely and everything, so it was good that we were there and we lifted her spirits and everything, but her arm’s broken so we didn’t do ANYTHING all weekend long. She takes this medication that makes her sleep all day, too. I swear I watched more TV this weekend than I EVER HAVE in my ENTIRE LIFE. I hate TV, too. There aren’t many situations bad enough for me to sit down and watch it—well that goes to show you how boring this weekend was.

The only reason that I think I’ve always stayed on the good side of an unbeliever is because I’m careful not to treat them from a personal manner. Now, if we wanted to get personal, I could say a lot of things about any given person that I don’t like, but living as a Christian isn’t personal, is it? All you need to keep in mind about him is they doesn’t understand spiritual things, so trying to spur them on towards morality (whether in a loving way or not) isn’t gonna make sense. The ONLY way I’ve ever been able to get across to them is by sharing my personal experience—why I feel better off THAN I WAS before knowing Christ.

You ever heard the saying “We’re not better, we’re just better OFF” (relating to Christians and unbelievers)? Forgive me if you must, but on thinking about that saying and the context that it is often used in is often VERY OFFENSIVE. Here’s my spiel on it. Most often, people use the phrase in response to what kind of remark? One from an unbeliever saying something along the lines of “You Christians are so judgmental. You all just think you’re better than us.”

Pause there and think about it for a second. What’s going on in the unbeliever’s heart? Probably anger, right? They don’t understand spiritual things at all, so they’re thinking we’re just wearing the T-Shirt around to make them look bad, right? Most likely, remember I’m just using the “most often” scenario here…

So what’s the line fired back, “We’re not better, we’re just better OFF”. Read that again slowly. Are you picking up what I’m putting down? What’s the difference between “better” and “better off”. Think about it as a number line, positive numbers on the right, negative numbers on the left. If they were thinking mathematically (like I have the bad habit of doing), and I KNOW the wouldn’t be, they would see you putting them on the line as a “zero” or below because “we’re being judgmental”, right? So where would “better” or “better off” be? Above the zero. Doesn’t matter to them where, it’s above them. I conclude that when we say that, it’s offensive to the unbeliever and we lose ground.

Or maybe that doesn’t make enough sense. Try this. Ask yourself this question: “Is choosing Christianity logical?” You would say yes, right? It’s perfectly logical to choose to be saved and given eternal life and to choose hope, joy, and wisdom in a relationship with Christ, isn’t it? Well, what about to the unbelievers? Do they SEE these benefits yet? No, they are COMPLETELY DEAD spiritually. They don’t logically understand what we do or what we say. But we do. So, when we explain to them “We’re not better, just better OFF”, in our minds we’re right. We have hope, joy, and wisdom. But they only take it as an offense because they don’t get it.

So this brings me to my point. I seriously believe we’re supposed to be doing everything in our power to be evangelizing the unbelievers (and DON’T WORRY, I have a hard time doing it). I believe that in order to do that, we ought to be thinking very carefully about what we’re saying to them, being whether we are explaining things from our logic or theirs. And I scripture points out a humbling fact in Ephesians 2:8-9 “For it is by grace that we’ve been saved through faith. God did it all. It was not by our own works or by our own doing, because we’d be bragging about it.” If God didn’t feel gracious, we’d be lost. Everything’s controlled by God.

walk.

2006-02-16T17:27:00.000-06:00

Here's a video I did today. Click Here to watch it. It's 15:04 minutes.

it's truth when i can get away with what i want to.

2006-02-15T21:40:00.000-06:00

(An excerpt from my book, titled “My Life is the Stew in the Pot of my Façade”)

CHAPTER ONE.

I’m commenting before this journal just as a sort of disclaimer. I was really shocked when I went back through some of these journals, this one especially. I’m starting out the book with this journal entry because I want you to throw you directly into the most prideful documented parts of my life. This is really shocking to me because I know I’ve THOUGHT things like this before and cooled off after a while, but I actually wrote this down. And I am only showing you the stuff in this book for truth’s sake, NOT TO MAKE ANYONE ANGRY.

(This is a journal dating the end of summer 2005)

Dear diary of mine,

It’s been so long! Let me tell you all about my life. The wait and the worst are both over. I am complete. I have nothing lacking and I feel a sense of understanding of all things that are necessary to understand. Because, true, I still have question without answers, but I have the answers to so many questions that I need no more.

There comes a time when sitting down to sort out life is not enough to satisfy. There’s too much to think about, so I’ve simply given up. Apathy? On the contrary, I’ve given things a lot of thought recently, and I’ve not been able to help but see what all IS and WAS worthless in my life. So, covering up the grave, I left what I could behind.

You’ve no idea how many friends I’ve lost and how many more I am to lose sooner or later, not to mention how many people I’ve freaked out. God has it all under his arm and he’s gonna carry it with Him wherever he goes, though.

So, no worries right? Right. What have I to lose? Who are these people to me anymore? Hatred? On the contrary. Truth. Yes. Do I give a care about anyone but myself? No. So why try to? It’s pointless, it’s hypocritical.

What to do then? Follow truth. What are people to their (and my) Creator? Valuable. Equal, yet unique. So what to do with life? Make it true, make it honest.

It would be more truthful and less hypocritical to live like the jerk you are and accept it if you’re gonna be separate from Christ. But with Christ, we ought to rely on his will and do what he asks of us with his teachings (which are in the Gospels mainly).

I’m left with one unanswered question that I actually care about. So if you realize you’re a jerk and you were trying to hide it, would Christ condemn you for being a jerk, or for being a hypocrite? And would it be right to stop being a hypocrite and accept that you are a jerk? And live like you accept? Does the end justify the means?

People say that it never does, but I must confess that I am severely perplexed. I think I’ll research it and get back with you, diary.

So long for now,

RICHARD SINGER.

As you can see, I thought I had myself a way around sinning like I wanted to. I wanted to be a jerk to people and I wanted to hate people and get away with it, so I found a way around it. I said “this is how I am”, identifying with sin. I guess I was trying to fool myself that I was alright because I was at least truthful about my feelings.

As you can see, I had a lot of unexplained confidence at the time this journal was penned, and to tell the truth I don’t recall why I was so happy about losing all my friends. The funny thing is right now I feel like losing my friends would be one of the FATALEST things that could happen to me. I do remember this being around the time I lost my best friend to what I considered selfishness on their part and BOY DID I get an attitude about that…

Looking back through my history in sticky, prideful points always gives me the picture of myself backing away from everyone laughing and pointing my fingers at them “because I’m so right about everything” and not noticing the thousand-foot cliff behind me. Sure, everyone’s wrong about something sometime, but I’m always getting an attitude about being right. Makes me wish sometimes that people would DOWNPLAY me when I do right just to break me of the habit.

significance.

2006-02-15T21:39:00.000-06:00

(Notes from Ephesians 1)

Things God did through sacrificing his Son and giving us the Holy Sprit:

He takes us to the high places of blessing in him

Before the beginning of time he had us in mind

He settles on us as the focus of his love

He decided to adopt us into his family though Jesus Christ

He wanted us to enter into the celebration of his lavish gift-giving

Because of his sacrifice we’re free of penalties and punishments

He thought of everything we could possibly need and provided for it, because he let us in on the plans he took such a delight in making

In Christ we find out who we are and what we are living for.

Long before we first heard of Christ and got our hopes up, he had his eye on us, and designs on us for glorious living

In Christ we found ourselves free—signed, sealed, and delivered.

By being free, we have a reminder that we’ll get everything God has planned for us, a glorious life for him.

How is this applicable?

These few things from Ephesians 1 tell us enough already about how much God loves us. It talks about how he blesses us and provides for us, and how he sacrificed his only son for us.

But it’s not only that he loves us. Moreover, we are part of the plan. We’re like workers building a building. We are included in what he does. His big plan for the universe has our fingerprints on it, too—and he gave us this place. Not only are our sins paid for, we are free of penalties and punishments, and we’re working for God himself.

In Christ we are free. We find out who we are and why we are living. He gives us his work to do, and when we do it (obedience) we find out these things.

So where should we seek satisfaction? We should seek it in how much God loves us. It’s explained here.

got it.

2006-02-15T21:23:00.000-06:00

got it... popped a string on first tune...
won't be able to play for a while now.
oh well, maybe my fingers will heal up a little in the meantime.

fever dreams.

2006-02-15T14:21:00.000-06:00

These are some weird, unexplainable dreams that I had last night. I kinda wish I could film them or something, they were pretty cool.

Ok, I had some wild dreams last night. I can’t remember them completely, but here are the synopses. I don’t remember which part came after which, but there were like three or four parts. Seriously, I saw probably almost everyone I know in these dreams, too.

Ok, the dream was me and Isaac and Dad and we drove to Quemado for who knows what. I think it had something to do with my sister’s sheep cause my dad’s planning on selling one of them I think. Ok, so we get to Quemado, and Isaac get the idea to go see a friend we used to know who lived there. This guy’s name is Caleb Baker, and I haven’t seen him since like fifth grade, much less thought about the guy since then…

So suddenly Isaac and I get bikes somehow and we’re riding toward this guy’s house, who knows how we remember where the guy lives. I’m on this little BMX style bike and Isaac’s on a mountain bike. So we start out riding side by side reminiscing about the time we stayed at the guy’s house overnight and whatnot, and he gradually gets farther and farther ahead of me and our conversation ceases after not too long. Isaac always rode really far ahead of me on bikes; he’s got better stamina I think.

So we’re passing landmarks and stuff that I somehow recognize (although after the dream, I don’t recall ever seeing these things). We pass a shed that I recognize and like this big pasture with lots of horses and crap everywhere. And then, as we come up the hill, we see his house down the road. So we start biking quicker and head over to his house to find out he’s not home.

So we go exploring around, talking and everything but I don’t remember anything we said. It was probably the random chit chat in dreams that makes no sense whatsoever. But while looking around, we discover the guy’s house has like a CAR REPAIR FACILITY kinda like what you’d see in the repair shop of a car dealership and everything. So me and Isaac mess around with the tools and everything until someone pulls up in a green suburban and we bolt.

So we watch the family go inside and we follow them through the back door, just kinda showing up in there house and everything (really weird dream). And we find out it’s not Caleb Baker’s house, it’s our old friends from Fort Worth’s house. We used to be good friends with a family called the Vaughn’s and apparently they show up in Quemado in my dream. Really strange…

So the first part ended there and the second part was of Me and Hannah and we’re at Lori and Jenny Stevens’s house having dinner or something. I remember seeing Aaron there and talking to him to. This part of my dream was really short I remember and it really didn’t make much sense. All I remember is talking to Aaron about something I can’t recall, Jenny completely ignoring me, and me walking around their house a million times with Lori trying to find their piano. Apparently it was a different house from their one in San Antonio, cause I know where the piano is at that house.

Anyhow, I just remember not being able to find the piano, so I settled for this really ugly, half-broken organ and I played all these songs on it with Lori listening… that was about it.

In the third part I went to England with Chris and Jeremy, Matt and Michelle and Cade, Jenny, Becca, and Noel. Where everyone else was, I don’t know. So we drive to like San Antonio or something (cause that part wasn’t in the dream) and we take a flight over to England. The whole actual flight wasn’t in the dream only a couple minutes or so. I just remember sitting with Chris on one side and Noel on the other and Michelle in the row across the little walkways from us. Michelle kept smiling at me real weird… I remember that.

So anyways, we land in England and we’re somewhere on the coast. it didn’t really look like England from all the pictures I’ve seen of the coast because there were tropical-resembling trees everywhere. They kinda looked like a mix between a pine and a palm tree, and they had cones. The only reason I remember the trees so well is because there was one part in the dream after we landed and got a hotel room, I stood and stared out this giant window, making up and entire wall, and watched the trees blowing in the wind. I remember saying to Chris, “Oh my gosh, they look SO REAL”…

Anyhow, the hotel room we got was really nice. We must have been staying at a resort or something cause it was like a three-bedroom apartment with a kitchen and a living room. But the bedrooms were huge. Me and Chris and Jeremy shared one, the girls shared the other, and of course the Van Hooks had the last one. All I can really remember about the Hotel room was the couches were really comfortable and the carpets with dark brown (kinda ugly for a carpet)…

Anyhow, I remember getting there and then spending a night and going out the next day to the beach. This place must have been a bay or harbor or something because the beach down below this hotel ran parallel to a beach about six hundred feet across from it. So you could swim to the other side, which I remember Matt and Chris doing. The beach across from us was at the foot of this tall dark green hill and when you looked up, you could see all these birds flying around it.

Anyhow, I remember hanging out most of the morning with the Jenny and Noel underneath this big covered-shelter type of thing. It was like a roof supported by four pillars and it was completely made of stone (not cement). It was really cool underneath there. So we sat and talked (again, about what, I have no clue), until we decided to go walking down the beach.

Now the beach was sandy, but it was really stony, too. It was really weird, the stones were all smooth, though, so they didn’t hurt our feet. All I remember of the rest of the dream was me and Noel walking for miles and miles and talking about everything; Jenny had turned back after about fifteen minutes or so, she wanted to go swimming.

So those were my weird fever dreams.

guitar comin in.

2006-02-14T21:28:00.000-06:00

As far as today goes, I still am not getting any “work” done. I received information this morning that my guitar is scheduled to get in tomorrow. To tell the truth, I’m thinking I prolly shouldn’t be getting my hopes up cause this is Del Rio we’re talking about. So I’m expecting it in within the next couple of days. I’m SO EXCITED, though. Preston’s guitar is pretty cool, but (you know) it’s different when you have your own and everything. Plus, it’s a lefty AND it’s acoustic (which is my favorite sound). The only bad thing is my fingers are already hurting from Preston’s electric. My middle finger is the biggest enemy.

I’m really happy I’ve been picking up guitar as fast as I have. Preston says I’m picking it up faster than he did, so I’m pretty surprised. Already I’ve figured out some Do Make Say Think and Iron and Wine, but I’m most excited about learning to play Pedro the Lion (of course). My style of music is most reminiscent to what you’d hear in a quiet Iron and Wine song, but (obviously) not as good (yet).

I have no clue how I’m going to record anything I write. I passed up getting a Galveston Acoustic/Electric to get this one (thinking it was a Martin). False advertising caused me to buy it. Oh well, it’s a Johnson and I heard they’re good enough…

Today I got a video of the kids playing with the sheep done. I’m not considering it “work” because it’s not an “artsy” production of mine. Use this link to watch it if you’re interested.

Anyways, not too much happened today, so I’m gonna wrap this up. Until next time.

the heart, the head, repentance.

2006-02-14T17:33:00.000-06:00

Ok, here’s my biggest question right now:

When you repent (or are repentant), do you have to “break” in your heart?

Why do I have this question? This guy I’ve been talking to has been saying that, as a Christian, you shouldn’t be living from only your head or only your heart, but both. I really don’t get it. I mean, I know what it means—Pastor Joe says it all the time, “When we become Christians, we don’t just toss out all the common sense and live by our emotions.” But he has been telling me I am living completely out of my head. He is saying my prayers and repentance and everything’s coming straight out of my head.

This is the thing. I don’t know how to do it otherwise. I don’t think I really understand the difference. I learn things with my head, I make decisions with my head, and I realize things with my head. But what comes from the heart?

Maybe revelation… forgiveness… change. All those things are pretty much illogical to the head. Is repentance in the heart or the head? Repentance seems logical, I think. If I’m doing something wrong and my life’s being destroyed my head pretty much… WAIT… no, it doesn’t. I’ve done a lot of stupid stuff before with my head completely aware that my life was being destroyed. It’s my head that tries to go around those things so that I don’t sit down and think about them.

Ok, so I’ve established to myself that true repentance doesn’t come from the head. But how does it come from the heart? When I pray I honestly don’t feel incredible emotion streaming from my limbs to God or anything. I don’t know if that’s good or bad. Really, I don’t feel much more emotion (half the time) than talking to a friend and asking them favors. I’ve been very emotional in my prayer life lately because I just don’t understand the way things are supposed to be. But when I pray, I just pray. I don’t cry much; I don’t shake and fall on the floor. Maybe I’m just not in one of those really bad situations that would cause me to do that. I could imagine prayer after attempting suicide—there’d prolly be a lot of crying, shaking, and falling over.

This makes me doubt my faith… or maybe it just makes my HEAD doubt my faith. I’m not doubting CHRISTIANITY, I’m doubting me… maybe I SHOULD doubt me…

People say that repentance doesn’t have to mean an outburst of incredible emotion. I hope they’re right. My pastor even says that. I guess ultimately repentance results as a change and whether or not you cry and fall down doesn’t matter too much.

But is it a change of the heart, the head, or BOTH? Using what I understand, I guess it’s a change of heart. The heart is “the wellspring of life”, so in turn it would change your head, wouldn’t it? That’s what this guy I’m talking to says. I guess I’m getting it now.

When you’re hungry, you look for food. Pretend that hunger comes from the heart (that’s where our spiritual hunger lies after all). Your heart tells your head you’re hungry and your head knows exactly what to do. That’s the problem. Your head is “logical”; it finds “logical” answers. It finds “quick satisfaction” to things. I guess this is precisely why we get revenge so quickly when we’re not focusing on God. So suppose your hungry is satisfied… ALWAYS. From what I understand you can satisfy your heart’s hunger with Christ—the “bread of life”, the “water of life” right? So if there’s no hunger, there’s no searching for food and there’s no control over us by our head and there’s no desire for quick satisfaction.

Problem solved. It’s in the heart. Maybe that question up there isn’t the BIGGEST question, because from writing this all out I think these other questions were bigger. Now that we’ve established repentance lies in the heart, then it obviously causes something to happen inside—a “breakdown”, emotional or not.

But, one thing I DO understand is that I can’t change my heart. So all I need to do is prayerfully (and probably daily if not more often) ask God to change my heart so it will hunger for Him, and ask Him to fulfill the hunger through whatever He has me do.

new blogging.

2006-02-13T17:45:00.000-06:00

I have decided to embark on a freer way of blogging so as to be physically able to blog often (the goal being a daily blog). But from knowing myself (quite well for that matter), I most likely won’t be blogging daily. But in restatement, I hope to blog often.

I haven’t got much “done” lately. I really haven’t been working on much—that’s the main reason. Basically I’ve decided to take a break from music and writing, so I can slow down and “sit down with myself” (as I often call it) and do some maintenance.

I’ve been learning a lot of stuff recently. It’s seems like every time I see something, there’s something greater ahead. I don’t know how to accurately explain my life’s situation right now, because I’ve found out EVERY TIME I TURN AROUND recently that I don’t know how to explain things about my life and the way that I believe AT ALL. It get’s really frustrating. All I can explain to anyone right now is that Jesus saved me, but I think that’s enough for anyone to understand, so I don’t really let it bother me. I’m just gonna keep going along learning one more good thing after another.

///

From where I’m standing right now, I’ve basically decided that music definitely isn’t something I wanna go into for a living. I won’t ever abandon my musical abilities, but I definitely don’t want to go into a career that has much to do with fame making my living. I have a self-control problem with fame—another thing I’ve seen popping up everywhere recently. However, my music endeavors have reached as far as getting a hold of an acoustic guitar, and I’m really excited about it.

My book is being postponed. I got maybe a third two half way done, but it was hard work and I got really confuse about the direction I wanted it to go. So I’ve set it down for right now. My other prose projects right now are also being postponed—I am taking a break from a lot right now.

However, photography will still be worked on. I haven’t done much in the past week or two, but my better stuff will be posted on my newly opened photo blog (linked from the opening of my website www.pippenfamily.com/noah). I got a new camera for my birthday and am still waiting for it to be repaired so I can take some good pictures. Whenever I get the next paycheck I’m getting a wide-angle lens for the thing and I’ll be set.

I’m working on getting a lawn-mowing job on base for the lawn-moving service. I’m not really too sure what all I’ll be mowing, but I guess all lawns are the same thing—grass and weeds. It’ll pay pretty good too, especially if I get the 20 hours a week that it calls for. I can do it too cause I’m home-schooled. So I’ll be making about $500 a month and I KNOW I can save up for a car this way. Oh yeah, I got my permit last Tuesday. Driving’s alright.

I’ve been able to get my hands on a Nintendo NES and Super NES recently. I haven’t been playing them too much, all except for Link to the Past on SNES—almost done with it. For the NES I have Super Mario Bros/Duck Hunt, Mario 3, Metroid, Jeopardy, Spy Hunter, Dragon Warrior, Volleyball, Pin Bot, and Ghostbusters. For SNES I have Super Mario World, Donkey Kong Country 2, Link to the Past, and Mario Kart. I’m not too much of a gamer, but I enjoy them every once in a while. I think I’m starting to turn into a “classic gamer” like Isaac. I just enjoy the old stuff better…

Anyways, there’s today’s blog.

boomeranging.

2006-01-30T21:23:00.000-06:00

things are changing. i am really glad. it's not me that's changing them, it's jesus (throught AMAZING grace). all i'm doing is (finally) making the choice. seems like i've been walking around in an intersection for a while, not choosing any direction to wander down. well, there's a path now... and i'm at least walking.

i've been doing some reading lately. keeps my mind "distracted", but "focused" is more like it really i think (and my father has said to me). having scripture in my head is so helpful against the everyday stuff... all that stuff that wants to climb up on me and pull me down. it's different being able to use clean hands. it's even WEIRDER actually HAVING THEM for a change. none of this would happen without surrender, boy do i know.

i used to sit back and say that i wasn't getting worse as i sat around, i was only doing the same things... but in all that, i got farther and farther away, and i have felt it recently. i am coming back, but it's so far. it's been so long, really. now i know that once we're forgiven we're restored, i'm just saying i'm turning around and having to work through all the consequences.

i was sat down the other day and i was made to think about so to write out some of my recurring sins (with an accountability partner of mine). oh my gosh, you don't know what it's like to write down for someone and show them you're deepest inner sins. it felt like my life really broke... i've been living behind a stone wall for so long. well, i found out what most of my life in recent times has been sent pursuing--the things i readily deny the most.

it's so funny how become the very things we live to fight against. jesus talks about being critical in matthew, saying something very profound. the message translation (eugene peterson) says: "critical behavior has a way of boomeranging"... that's it.

2006-01-12T17:33:00.000-06:00

by the way,

i am currently writing a book, so i won't be blogging here for a while... as if i was even very committed to the blog in the first place. i hope to be done with the book in about a month. it's a collection of essays, journals, and other writings with my commentary on it. i am having it independantly published through lulu.com.

see you all in a while.

syllables.

2006-01-06T14:54:00.000-06:00

im so ashamed of my life.

pseudo sadism of the human confidence.

2005-12-06T21:19:00.000-06:00

Hey. School’s working out alright. Things could be better. I’m more than ready for Christmas break although we kinda just came out of Thanksgiving break only a week ago. I think I am addicted to sleep. I have basically figured out (through a not-so-detailed experiment) that if I lay down in my room, there’s nothing I can do to get myself up until I smell dinner. I kinda wish I was one of those guys who could draw real well. It was kinda cool, me and Wendy sat in Bible class towards the end today and drew all this wacky stuff that came to mind… It’s kinda sorry that I can’t do that on my own. I guess I get more creative when I get in a comedic mood (well at least when it comes to drawing), and the only time I get into that mood is when I’m around people trying to get them to laugh. You know, it was weird how me and Wendy really palled around today. I usually don’t say I a word to her at school in the halls or at lunch… hmm… that’s weird. Well at least I’ve got friends now and I won’t be following her around or anything tomorrow. I get like that when I don’t have friends: someone will notice me and I’ll be hooked to em til they either get annoyed to death or they eventually die out. Not to mention the history behind me and Wendy… *nearly faints and dies*… that ought not be gotten near again. But she’s cool I guess. I accidentally made a sort of cutting remark about Diana today in front of all these kids. They a non-existent undertone from what I said and they asked me if I “really hated her that much”… got me kinda depressed. If only I had used another name. it was only in joke, you know. With my luck she’ll find out and ask me tomorrow in consumer math: the only time she seems to ever talk to me anymore. I won’t get into that business… it will stay. I can’t handle people who are one thing one day and one thing the next. It’s worse when the “changing interval” is less than a day, and THE worst when it comes down to under an hour. I am convinced that I live with a bunch of bipoles, and it gets hard to deal with. Gets to the point when you just wanna shut up because you don’t know what they’re gonna say back to you and you don’t really wanna know cause they’re cool to everyone else but you, so it’s not worth the expended breath. Course I’m like the touchiest guy in the world, so… all this from my brain. People don’t need to give me the thumbs up, but they shouldn’t PURPOSELY give me the thumbs down only to see my reaction. It’s like sadism toward the human confidence. If you wanna get people to generally hate you, DO THAT. Wow I probably sound pretty depressed, well I’m not, I’m just going at it. Sometimes I don’t want to talk at all when I’m outside this protective cover I’ve found at school and at home. The world is really cruel to people sometimes. Seems like it’s the people who claim they’re saving the world who cut it down.

magazine

2005-11-28T20:59:00.000-06:00

Well school today was good and boy am I glad… I had this dream in the middle of the night last night that everyone would be all moody and crabby today. Well, half of it ended up true, but then again, Mrs. Henderson is ALWAYS crabby and ALWAYS mad. Oh great, and I have a chemistry quiz tomorrow that I am almost certain I’m gonna fail.

Well, I “explored the separate worlds at school” today (as I had planned). I figured out (basically) how some things are working between everyone at school. However, I don’t really know the details of most. Of course I and everyone else (who knows what I am talking about) have seen the evident split in “the group”. I think it’s a healthy thing, and I’m glad everyone’s not still convinced that they need to try to all stay together and be happy as one group; it caused a lot of fighting and it was difficult to stand at times.

I’m trying to figure out what I should do now… there’s two halves. It reminds of the lyrics to a Pedro the Lion song:

“This line is metaphysical
And on the one side (on the one side)
The good bad half live in wickedness
And on the other side (on the other side)
The good half live in arrogance
And it’s a steep slope
With a short rope
This line is metaphysical
And there’s a steady flow,
Moving to and fro.”

“Oh look, you’ve earned your wings
Are you an angel now? Or a vulture?
Constantly hovering over
Waiting for a big mistake
Oh my God, what have I done?
Oh my God, what have I done?”

“Wouldn’t you love to be
On the cover of a magazine?
Healthy skin, perfect teeth
Designed to hide what lies beneath.
What lies beneath.”

“I feel the darkness growing stronger
As you cram light down my throat.
How does that work out for you
In your holy quest to be above reproach?”

“Wouldn’t you love to be
On the cover of a magazine?
Healthy skin, perfect teeth
Designed to hide what lies beneath.
What lies beneath.”

Now, things at school aren’t exactly like THAT. David Bazaan was probably coming from a MUCH COLDER position when he wrote it. But there IS the basic tug from both ends. Live with people who are true to you, but not necessarily the most moral; OR live with people who lie to you, but are at least doing right. Truth is, lying is immoral, so both sides ARE IMMORAL, but I guess I am just trying to figure out which one would have a better influence on me.

Would I be influence more harmfully in subtle sins or in outright sins? I guess it doesn’t really matter if sin IS sin (reminds me of Noel calling herself a homo this morning… oh my gosh…). I guess I shouldn’t put myself in the presence of sin. But that leaves me with one question? Who do I hang out with at school? NO ONE? Oh well, guess I’ll ask some more people…

beboing.

2005-11-27T20:58:00.000-06:00

ok, well i went and got bebo this weekend... that means i'ma be blogging there because it's more connected w/ all my friends and stuff, I’ll copy all the blogs from there to here.

so anyhow the address is http://noahpippen.bebo.com, see yall there.

thinkin again.

2005-11-21T19:30:00.000-06:00

Well some [unmentionable] stuff hit me kinda hard today and I think it set me to thinkin’ again. Chris also made a comment to me in literature class along the lines of “you’ve changed, you’re not the same”. So it was the chain reaction of what happened this morning plus what Chris said to me that’s got me to thinkin’ about my life again.

I can honestly admit that for a while there (I don’t know why either) I didn’t really care which way my life was headed. It’s been a hard last couple of weeks for me, and I’ve been pretty much quitting at nearly everything. The whole thing with the Christians at school made me quit talking about my faith… and lots of stuff followed. Well I'm trying to find a way to get back to that. And, oh my gosh, it looks pretty much impossible from here. Heck, I almost turned into a nihilistic goth-type (which is pretty scary for me).

Well, too bad we don’t have bible study this week because I look forward to bible study when I reach these little “epiphany things”. Oh well, at least I’ve got friends to talk it all over with and stuff.

Yeah, I know, short post, but my idea is so that I put something up everyday. I’m do something to one of my pages now.

that's what they all say.

2005-11-20T21:59:00.000-06:00

Well I’ve got 15 to write so let’s see what all I can get out…

Well I’m ready to head into another week. I'm really fine with school, it doesn’t bug me like it used to last year while I was home schooled and stuff... maybe it’s the company, but maybe it isn’t. I’ve kinda established a strange identity around the school (in my mind). I don’t know, I guess it’s just real different from what most people would probably expect me to be. I started off the year kinda loud, not drawing a lot of attention to myself (well, not purposely), but just to get everyone loosened up. But then after a while I “quietened-down”. For a few weeks or so I didn’t say too much to anybody, which I think got people to start overlooking me (not that they were all “looking at me” or anything, but I just wanted to be forgotten a little, and it would), which was a good thing. Now I’m kinda half-and-half. I socialize with a lot of kids at school (and it gives me a variety of personalities all day) and I talk more with the teachers. I guess the “quiet spot” that I had a few weeks into this year was a “low spot” of my life or something. Maybe it was more like a “peaceful spot”, because I don’t remember being depressed or anything.

AH, I remember what it was. That was when I was “boycotting people”. Well that didn’t work. And it was a stupid idea. I come up with some pretty stupid ones sometimes, but I have to learn the lessons on my own. It drives me crazy when people tell me I’m wrong when they haven’t thought about it more than 10 seconds or listened to why I feel a certain way or how I got that way or what makes me think I could do something the right way. Sure, there’s a set of rules to most peoples lives that can’t be played around with. For instance, if you jump off a tall building and land on the ground, you’re probably chance of living is probably like 2% or less. This happens because most people die when that happens. But I think some people can choose to live their (own) lives a certain way and be fine, and that’s why it makes me mad when people say stuff like “that’s what the all say”. Might as well say to the person “you’re not even worth listening to, so shut up now.”

Wow, ok that was a weird post. I went from school to anal people. I’ve got 2 minutes left so I’m gonna end it here.

lost maples photographs.

2005-11-20T21:42:00.000-06:00

THEY'RE HERE! When I went camping lat weekend I took like 500 pictures. Well, I've got 154 of them online now. Click here to see them.

Enjoy. The place was beautiful.

musical poetical and photographical.

2005-11-19T22:15:00.000-06:00

It’s been a while so I’ll see what all I can cover in the few minutes I have to write tonight…

If there’s any “important” things going on right now that you would benefit from knowing, it would be that I am recording music again. However, some of you probably haven’t heard any of my music. Well you probably soon will cause I always walk around and ask people if they want copies of my stuff when I’m through recording. So yeah, I’ve done four new songs so far. The titles are “Thinking About Living My Life Alone”, “Forget the Hospital I Want to Die on My Front Porch”, “Got My Love but Died Trying”, and “Left You Outside and Froze Like a Popsicle”. The sound of the record reflects one I put out last year called What You Meant By A Definite Yes, which (for you who have never heard it) mostly used piano, guitar, and strings. So yeah, if you liked that one particularly (which many did), you will definitely like this one coming up. The proposed title for the record is My Life is the Stew in the Pot of My Façade. The release date is estimated to mid December to New Year’s Day, but it’ll definitely be done by New Year’s. To visit the record site, click here. (link goes to http://www.pippenfamily.com/npecrecordings/richardsingerband/new)

On another artistic note, I went camping at a place called Lost Maples State Park (here in Texas) this past weekend. Well, I took around 530 photographs up there because the place was simply breathtaking… no kidding whatsoever, it was amazing there. Those photos will soon be posted online. I will begin sorting through them when I find the free-time and I will probably recolor them and tweak a few. I can make some pretty awesome stuff with these photographs, I know this for sure.

I’ve begun to write poetry again. I have nothing worthy of posting so far, but all my good works will be posted in the “poetry” section of my site. I already have a few (old, terrible) works up there. Click here to read them, or just go to my page (www.pippenfamily.com/noah) and click “poetry” on the navigation bar. I’m sorry I’m making all these links to all these other pages in this blog. I guess my life is too involved in my pages. But I’ve been trying to get a life recently and I think it’s working. Well, track my blogs and see if I change…

oh yes, tidbits.

2005-10-30T21:06:00.000-06:00

…if anyone’s interested, I opened a site where I am posting funny videos I am making. Click the link below

www.pippenfamily.com/tidbits

sitting down.

2005-10-30T21:03:00.000-06:00

Well, it’s been a good last couple of (two or so) weeks. I’ve been able to find a way to (figuratively) sit my life down. I’m like barely “living” anymore. It’s really awesome. Ok, you prolly don’t understand… let me explain.

Sometimes my life really races by. It’s hard when that happens, too. I’m always on my feet about something someone said or something someone did or even something someone is thinking about doing. I’ve been able these past few weeks, since I’ve posted last, to “sit my life down” and stop living. But I needed to do that. My life shouldn’t be all about activity. I think there should be a good balance of peace involved, you know.

So anyways, the physical aspect of this is: I’ve been doing a lot of stuff alone recently. And if I’m not alone, I'm with different people than usual. You'd be surprised at how many adults I’ve been hanging out with recently. I went to the Grounds on Friday night and mostly hung out with/talked to adults the whole time. It’s kinda weird for me to do that.

However, I think a lot of the adults understand me better than the kids I hang out with/talk to, and I think they probably care more (or at least care in a different way, and probably a more founded way… for lack of better terms).

But as you might imagine, this has helped school to be easier and better. I can just kinda walk around and say nothing and do nothing really (except play the awesome card game RPG thing I invented), and I’ve been able to start hanging out with a lot of other kids I didn’t really know (prior) and those I don’t really care whether or not they accept me (particularly freshmen).

Excuse me for well badly-formed sentence structure; I am very guilty of that tonight. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, I swear.

So yeah, I went and hung out with “the group” this afternoon, after it’s been like a month probably since I’ve “gone out” and done anything with them. I mean, heck, I see them at school and stuff, but it’s different to take out your whole weekend with them. But yeah, nothing’s changed there. I didn’t really expect anything had. I mean, thing’s have sorta changed, but ultimately things are kinda the same. Face value is the same there, that’s for sure.

Also, Nathan went along with us. I sure hope he had a good time, seemed like he did, but he’s always got a strange perspective, so I’ll hit him up later and see how things went inside his head. However, I wouldn’t be surprised if he feels the same way as most outsiders do about “the group”, he’s kinda like that. I’m glad I’m finding people who think the way I do. It’s good to be able to “sit down” with people.

So yeah… hopefully this week stays the same.

bugs in my ears.

2005-10-17T19:07:00.000-05:00

You know it’s going bad when you think you’ve had so much that much more is just gonna make you pop, …then some even MORE outrageous happens. Hahaha, I am able to commend myself a little for not exploding in the midst of public, too. I’m so glad that I don’t do it. Two years ago when I went to ACHS, it was the story of my life. But anyways, back on subject.

I’ve had just about all I can take… I’m sorry, I’m not gonna give a lot of details, but I’ll let you know what kinda subject matter’s getting me like this. As always, it would take far too long to explain everything in detail, so I will start with what’s going on and work backwards from there.

Basically, even though there’s no more fighting between kids, there’s WAY TOO MUCH gossip for my ears to handle. Gee, I probably sound like I’m trying to be all righteous, but honestly who’s gonna read this that I’m worried about sounding righteous to? And since when recently have I wanted to act righteous? Well I don’t have to prove anything to you. You probably aren’t interested, or you wouldn’t know anyways. I’ve kept to myself recently.

I don’t know, maybe I’m overreacting, but it’s sad when you walk up to a friend or two at school who will nod their head in Bible Study when we say “shouldn’t gossip!” and YOU FIND THEM GOSSIPING. Don’t care how mad you are! I’m sorry, I really don’t care. You can’t live double lives like this. Then you’ll approach them about it, and they’ll give you a defense or something, but if you finally show them it was wrong, they’ll give you something like, “yeah, guess it wasn’t a good idea, huh?” Heck NO. Especially when we’ve been trying to get all this fighting behind us.

…ok, yeah I’m getting riled. I’m gonna stop typing now.

folding out.

2005-10-15T09:36:00.000-05:00

Well I’m not going to take the time to explain what's been going on (politics) in Del Rio recently. I’ve already done that to too many people, and I think too many of them misused it. But everything's been folding out into just what is now a blank, flat piece of paper.

I’m not going to begin to explain the way things have been making me feel because I think if I was trying to put it into words, I’d end up adding things here and there that aren't completely true and I’d end up making myself believe these things. Someday I’m sure I’d look back and say "wonder where that came from", cuz that's what always happens.

It’s been about 2 months since I’ve been in this certain state of mind that has saved me from myself, and sleepless nights (to say the least). Most people hate me for it, but other people look up to me for it. It’s the people looking up to me for this that worry me, though. I’ve never been looked up to before. I’ve seen Isaac looked up to, but he's gone now.

It’s incredible, too. People at school even do the things I do. And it's not like the whole " 'younger brother does what older brother does' complex", it's more like "hey, that guy is cool and I wanna do that, too" complex. I take it back now, now that I’ve thought again, I DID have some people copy me, but not many. I was never a popular kid. but I used to hate it when people copied me, especially because I usually has the really abstract ideas come straight out of my mind, and I couldn't stand other people "being abstract". But I don't care anymore.

When it gets to the point, however, when your Christian brothers (and even sisters) copy you and end up faking Christianity, it's VERY WRONG. That’s why I am worried. I’m afraid this would happen. However, I have a lot of confidence in my Christian friends not to do any of this. It’s just that there have been times in my life, in my faith, that I have looked up to a Christian who was "further down the road" (further in understanding) than I was, and I wanted to be there. So, in order to "be there" immediately, I just started to do everything he did. This is bad cuz you can't "do what you wanna do, and do this" at the same time, whereas when you "get there" through training and time (and all the other things it takes), "doing what you wanna do" is what Christ wants to do. This becomes your desire.

About 2 months back I made the decision to distance myself from a lot of people. Now, most people think it's a wrong decision. Most people don't understand it, and they accuse me of "dropping" people. Well it's not a cruel thing, and it's not a careless thing. To tell the truth, it's more like a "care free" thing. But I realized my life was dependant on people. Now, not literally, it wasn't a life or death situation, but you know what I mean: emotions and even spirituality. Besides, I try to flee from pressure. in order to correctly understand the nature of my decision let me assure you that 1) I still talk to these people 2) I still go places with these people 3) I am still there if they need me. But, I can't live in the same field with them anymore; I need to be exploring truth on my own... more like, I need to be exploring truth, PERIOD.

Bible study last night was really confusing. It was normal at first: we sung, then talked a little, prayed, and had the lesson. But matt decided to do something different afterwards. He called it "after-glow" or something like that. We basically sang songs and read scripture in between. Sort of like the meditation that proverbs talks about and stuff. I read a few psalms and some other scriptures that I thought went along with the same point as the songs, and it all kinda sunk into everyone like a sponge. IT FELT SO HEALTHY. I don't think I’ve ever done anything like that in years. It was just a time to worship and let it all sink in, to stop and settle down. And we WERE settled down, we were like laying on the floor and the couches, it was awesome, literally awesome.

I think it got a lot of the kids there to think, and that's another reason why it was so awesome. A few of us even started crying. I guess it's hard when you live your life like a surfer and when the waves are gone and you're forced back to the shore, you have nothing left to do but look at your surrounding and everything you've been away from all day or all week, month, or year.

But I’m praying for them and I felt the convicting too. I know where to go and what to do. I realized last night that I felt steady in the presence of him with us and YOU DON'T KNOW HOW REWARDING IT FEELS. I’ve always done things for months on end, thinking I’d be right in the end, but never felt steady and sure in his presence, especially when I prayed. But I was last night.

flood.

2005-10-13T14:51:00.000-05:00

well it's flooded here. there's no way to get home so i am at the van hooks house. not much to do. course i have a computer before my fingers, so in reality, there's lots to do, but it's not like having my own computer. i kinda miss it.

school's been going ok. i am considering leaving achs, though, cuz i don't have enough freetime after all my homework and web work is done. i am thinking i can successfully leave the school, do school at home, do my work, and have plenty of time left over for freetime and possibly even another job. plus i'll be able to keep all my money instead of sending myself to school with it.

music's been pretty dormant recently. it's kinda depressing. i mean, i'm coming up with stuff all the time, but as you can tell from my description of my present situation with freetime, i haven't had much time at all to record anything. this time around, however (when i finally do put something out), i'm going to be putting out two records because it'll be two totally different styles that i just cant mix.

the first record with be called "the apple tree" and is all techno and fantasy, kinda like "day watch night watch" (my most recent one). the second one is named after this blog "my life is the stew in the pot of my facade". this one will be a whole lot more labored and will consist of mostly piano and softer synth pad sounds. it's gonna be quite a trip.

work has been going well. my project at thegroundsonline (TGO) has been growing and growing and growing. it's finally becoming more and more like a real webpage that will be useful to people, rather than a crappy, empty page that's worth nothing. it's at www.thegroundsonline.com if you're interested.

my personal webpage has been completely changed around and stuff, it's at www.pippenfamily.com/noah.

oh boy, i've been picking up photography again, too. about a year back, i created what i called "photo art", which was basically "photoshopped photos" (meaning they were altered) to make them look all cool. i've been doing those again and been making some pretty cool looking stuff. i am planning on making my photo shoot for "my life is the stew" pretty abstract...

well that's an update from me.

welcome.

2005-10-09T20:48:00.000-05:00

hello, welcome to my blog. you must forgive me, though, i'm a bit tried for time. i will be posting sometime tomorrow for sure. i have school in the morning and no one else does, so i need to prepare some stuff for the morning.

as for today i did nothing besides work... it was kinda depressing. well, be satisfied that i wrote something.